“Sore?”
“A bit.” I nodded and gave him a weak smile. Something felt off and I knew it was all inside of me, but I didn’t know what to do about it. I just wanted to cry. I could feel it inside of me, welling up. I could feel the pain inside of me wanting to come out. I wanted to cry. I wanted to sob for the heartbreak and misery I still felt. I was maybe even more miserable than before because a part of me felt used and another part of me felt like I’d screwed myself over. Sleeping with Parker had brought him closer to my heart, but emotionally I felt like we were still nowhere. We were still nothing.
“Need anything?” he asked me softly as he sat down on the side of the bed and kissed me on the cheek.
“No, I’m okay, thanks.” I pretended to yawn and then closed my eyes.
“Still tired?” he asked, surprised, and I nodded, not wanting to look at him. I didn’t want to look into his piercing eyes. They did too much to me. Staring at his handsome face made me think things I didn’t want to think. I was annoyed at myself for still hoping this could grow into something more than it was. Nothing Parker had said could really lead me to believe there was any possibility of him falling in love with me and us getting married and living happily ever after. Nothing Parker had said would lead me to believe he was really and truly my Prince Charming. Not now. Not after everything that had gone downbetween us. “Shall I try and wake you up?” I felt his lips against mine and I resisted kissing him back.
“No,” I mumbled, annoyed. Could he only think about sex? Was this always just going to be a booty call? Wasn’t I worth more than that? Didn’t I deserve more than that? I loved him, but I valued myself more than what he was offering. I thought about Luke and how sweet he was. I thought about his text message and how sincere he sounded, how he really wanted to get to know me. How he could possibly offer me what I really wanted. And ultimately that was what it was all about. It was about being with someone who could give me what I wanted. Love me in the way I wanted and deserved to be loved. I was fed up with the heartache. Love wasn’t supposed to be this hard. Life wasn’t supposed to be this hard.
I didn’t want to be living on the edge of uncertainty forever.
“Lara, you okay?” Parker collapsed on the bed next to me and I could tell from his voice that he was feeling unsure of himself.
“I’m fine, why?” I opened my eyes and looked over at him. He was staring at my face and his eyes were narrowed as he gazed at me. “What’s up?”
“What’s up with you?” he asked me with a slight frown. “You’re acting different.”
“What do you mean?” I blinked at him, pretending I didn’t understand what he was talking about.
“I mean, you can barely look me in the eyes right now.” He reached over and touched my lips. “What’s going on?”
“I’m just tired. I can barely keep my eyes open right now.” I blinked again and yawned widely. “It’s nothing personal.”
“Are you still mad at me? Is that what this is all about?” He sighed.
“I’m not mad at you.” I shook my head and reached over and touched his face, wanting so bad to tell him that I loved him, wanting so bad for him to know that all I wanted was to lie in hisarms forever. I just wanted to be with him and hold him close. When I was around him I was no longer myself. I hated and loved the power he had over me.
“Why does it feel like you’re mad at me, then?” he said as his hand grabbed mine and he brought my fingers to his lips for a kiss.
“I don’t know.” I shrugged. “You tell me.”
“Lara, I don’t know what’s going on. I just know how I feel in this moment. I know something doesn’t feel right. I know you’re not acting how you normally act. I know something seems off.”
“Wow, you know a lot,” I answered with a small smile, trying to joke. “When did you get so smart?”
“We have a connection, Lara. I don’t understand it and I’ve never been so attuned to someone else before, but I know something isn’t right.” He sighed. “But fine, you don’t have to tell me.”
“What connection do you think we have?” I asked softly, wanting him to continue. Maybe if he—if we—could talk this out, somehow we’d get to a place that felt better.
“I don’t know.” He sighed. “Maybe because we’ve known each other for so long and because we’re better friends now, and now we’re lovers, maybe I can just understand you better now. Maybe I can read your cues better now that you’re in my life more. I don’t really know why or how. Does it really matter?”
“I guess not.” I sighed. “Why should it matter, right? Why does any of it matter? It’s just nothing. It’s all just nothing.”
“What is that supposed to mean? It’s just nothing?” He gave a deep sigh. “Why do I feel like we’re fighting and I don’t even know why?”
“If you don’t know why, then it doesn’t matter, right?” I pulled my hand away from his and sat up quickly. “I just can’t do this anymore, Parker. I just don’t have the strength to go back and forth with you all the time.”
“Go back and forth about what?” He sat up as well and his voice was angry. “What the hell is going on, Lara? I thought we were in a good place? I thought everything was okay? Shit, we just made love five times.”
“It always comes back to sex for you, doesn’t it?” I put my hands on my face. “I want more than that.”
“What?” He jumped off the bed and looked at me. “What the hell are you talking about? What do you mean it always comes back to sex for us? When has our relationship ever just been about sex?”
“What relationship?” I said and jumped up out of bed. “Do we have a relationship? Do we have anything?”
“What do you mean ‘do we have a relationship?’” He frowned. “Of course we do.”
