“You knew Lara had a crush on you when we were younger,” Mila suddenly snapped. “I know that you knew, because Ryker and I have talked about it before.”
“Yeah, so?”
“So have you never considered the possibility that her crush never really faded? Be honest now, bro. Come on, now.”
“I don’t know,” I said softly, not sure how to answer. “Maybe? I don’t know. I’ve never really thought it.”
“You’re selfish, Parker. You’re really, really selfish.” Mila sounded pissed. “You know in your heart of hearts why Lara is upset. You know what’s going on, but you don’t want to acknowledge it. You don’t want to be any more uncomfortable than you have to be. You think you can just sleep with girls and lead them on and just do what you want without any emotional entanglements? You think people don’t have feelings? You think you can pull and tug at her heartstrings and not haveany repercussions? You think you can become close to someone and just be in some weird friend zone where you fuck forever? That’s all you’re comfortable with. And God knows why you’re so scared of relationships. I don’t get it. I don’t get you. You can’t play people like this, Parker. You can’t pretend ignorance. You can’t call the girl crazy. You can’t make it seem like you’re an innocent bystander in all of this. It’s not fair and it’s not right. You need to grow up. You need to look a little deeper. You need to stop being so bloody selfish and think about how others might be thinking and what your actions and words might be doing. Think about someone else’s feelings for once and act based upon that. Stop acting and doing things because you’re a jealous little boy who doesn’t want to share his toys.”
“Anything else?” I said, processing in shock what she’d said to me.
“Yeah, figure it out soon,” she snapped. “Get it together, Parker, please just get it together.” And then I heard the phone slamming down.
I dropped my phone onto my couch and sat back and tried to think about everything she had just said to me. She’d been harsh, but maybe she’d also been partially right? Was I being selfish? And if I was, what did that mean? Where did I go from here? What did I want? What did Lara want? And would I ever be able to figure it out?
Three days—thatwas how long it took me to call her. I thought maybe she’d call me or text me to apologize, but of course she didn’t. I wasn’t even really sure why I thought she would. It wasn’t like she seemed to even care about me anymore. I missed the days when she would text me randomly throughout theday. I’d grown so accustomed to her random texts that I hadn’t realized how much they meant to me, until now. And now that they’d stopped, I would have given anything to just get one. At least then I would know she was thinking about me. If even for just a few seconds. She crossed my mind every moment of the day and I had no idea if she even thought of me at all.
The first time I called, it rang three times and went to voicemail. I wasn’t sure if that meant it had just gone to voicemail by itself or if she had sent me to voicemail. I was hoping it was the former, so I ended up calling her a second time just a few minutes later. Maybe her phone hadn’t rung or maybe it had been off. Maybe she’d even been trying to call me at the same time. This time the phone rang two times and went to voicemail, and I frowned. Either her phone wasn’t working properly or she was sending me to voicemail. I’d call her one last time and then I’d leave a voicemail. The third time I called, it didn’t even ring once. It went straight to voicemail. I gripped the phone and hung up angrily. Had she turned her phone off or was her phone broken? I knew it was highly unlikely that her phone was broken, but I wasn’t sure why she would turn her phone off. Were my calls really that annoying? I looked down at the phone and called her again a fourth time. Once again, it went straight to voicemail. I hung up. And called again. Voicemail. I dropped the phone on the couch, walked to the kitchen, grabbed some water and took a few deep breaths, and walked back to my phone. I grabbed my phone, looked at the screen to see if I had any missed calls or missed text messages, and sighed when I saw none. I pressed redial on her number and frowned as it went straight to voicemail again.
“Lara, it’s me—Parker. Call me back. We need to talk,” I said and then hung up. I groaned as I hung up. My voice had sounded accusatory and my message had been too short. If she listened to this message she was unlikely to call me back. So I decidedto call her back and leave one more message. It might make me look like a psycho, but it was better than looking like a jerk. I called back one more time and this time the phone rang. My heart stilled as I waited to see if she was going to pick up the phone. My heart fell pretty quickly as it went to voicemail again. I cleared my throat and started to leave my new message.
“Hi, Lara, it’s me—Parker. I hope you’re doing well. I’m sorry about the other day. I’m sorry we got so angry at each other. I’d really like to talk to you to see if we can figure this out. Please call me back. I’d love to see you as soon as possible. I miss you.” I pressed the pound sign this time instead of hanging up so that I could relisten to the message to see how it sounded and if I wanted to change it before submitting it to her ears. I figured I sounded like a bit of a pussy, but sincere enough, so I left it and accepted the message. All I had to do was wait now. Wait for her to call me back. Wait for her to tell me she was willing to see me. Wait for her to tell me exactly what she wanted. I sat back on the couch and closed my eyes, hoping I didn’t have to wait too long.
Chapter 18
Lara
There’sa feeling at the end, when you know it’s the end. It’s a feeling of despair, of hurt, of knowing there’s nothing you can do to change your fate. It’s the feeling of knowing you will never be enough. Knowing that no part of you will ever be enough, and it’s heartbreaking. It makes you wonder,What’s wrong with me? Why am I not lovable? Why am I not enough?It’s the moment that makes you want to not be alive. It’s the moment when you give up all hope. It’s the moment you know you will never be pretty enough, smart enough, happy enough, rich enough. It’s the moment when you doubt everything you ever believed. Sometimes I wonder how I got to such a low spot. It’s the moment I wondered,Why me? It’s the moment I just wanted to fade into oblivion. We grow up believing that one day our fairy tale will come true, but what if that’s never the case? What if we’re destined to be alone? What if we’re not lovable? What if there’s something wrong with us? Even though we try to be the best person we can be, what if above everything else, we arejust never destined to find love or have happiness? Life should mean more than having a partner. It should mean more than loving and being loved. But what if that’s all you ever wanted? What if all you ever wanted was for someone to look at you with adoration in their eyes? What if all you ever wanted was to feel that someone understood you? Cared about you? Loved you? What if all you ever wanted was to be enough?
It’s hard feeling like you’re not enough. It’s hard feeling there’s something lacking in you. Knowing there’s something you will never, ever have. Something that you see everyone else has but you. I just don’t understand. Why not me? I don’t understand what’s wrong with me. What can I change? What can I do? What can I feel? What can I say? Can I be skinnier? How can I be prettier? How can I be more desirable? How can I get smarter? What can I do? If only I knew.
If only I knew.
If only I knew why Parker didn’t love me. If only I knew why he didn’t care. Why he didn’t understand. Why he didn’t want to be with me. But I didn’t. I couldn’t understand why I could love him so much and he could be so oblivious. I could spend my life trying to figure it out, and yet I would never understand. There’s a voice in my head that screams and shouts at me. A voice that wonders why I can’t just let it go. It’s a voice that hates me being me. It hates me feeling like this. Sometimes I wonder if I have a split personality. Sometimes I wonder if I have serious mental issues. Any sane person, any normal person, would have moved on by now. They would have gotten the memo. I got the memo, several times, and ripped it to pieces. I deserve the heartache I feel. I deserve not feeling good enough. I deserve it for constantly putting myself in this position. And though I deserve it, that doesn’t stop me from shedding tears for myself. It doesn’t stop it from hurting. If only I could figure out a way to stop the hurt and pain.
“I can’t breathe,”I whispered over the phone to Mila as soon as she answered. I was sobbing but trying to mask my voice, so I was talking as low as possible.
“What?” she said loudly. “Are you sick?”
“No... maybe. I don’t know.” Tears were streaming down my face and I took a deep breath. “I just can’t breathe.”
“What’s going on, Lara?” Mila sounded worried, but I could hear her yawning.
“Sorry for waking you up,” I said, feeling guilty. “Parker left me some messages. I just don’t know what to do anymore.”
“You can wake me up at any time. You know that.” Her voice was loud again and I could hear Ryker in the background mumbling something. “It’s Lara,” she whispered, and I smiled as I heard her saying something to him, telling him to go back to sleep. “Hold on, Lara.”
“Okay,” I said and lay back in the bed and closed my eyes. My heart felt heavy and I clutched the phone next to my ear as I pulled the covers up over my head. The room felt like it was spinning and I felt like I just wanted to never wake up again. I knew I shouldn’t feel so morbid, that my situation wasn’t the end of the world, but I just couldn’t stop feeling sorry for myself.
“I’m back,” she said, her voice softer now. “What’s going on?”
“I can’t stop thinking about Parker,” I said, my voice sounding foreign to my own ears.
“Did something happen?” Mila sounded worried. “Did he say something stupid?”
“No, yes, no.” I sighed. “He left me a voicemail.”
“Hurtful?”
