“No, it was really nice. It wasn’t anything, but it meant everything to me. He sounded really sincere.” My voice cracked.
“Oh? Is that a bad thing?”
“He’s always on my mind, Mila. When I heard his voicemail, I felt so happy. I felt on top of the world. I literally went from feeling despondent and down to flying. It’s not right that he should control my emotions this way. I’m just a nuRykerob.” I groaned. “Why does he make me feel this way?”
“Because you love him,” she said softly, and I groaned. “I’m sorry,” she continued. “I know how hard this is for you.”
“How can I stop loving him? I need to stop loving him. This is too hard. I don’t want to deal with this anymore, Mila. I can’t keep loving him. I don’t know what to do. I don’t even want to call him back. What’s the point? Nothing ever changes. I’m always just chasing butterflies into the sky.”
“I don’t know,” she said softly. “I’m so sorry.”
“I think I need to cut him out of my life,” I said, as much to myself as to her. “I need to just forget him completely.”
“How are you going to do that?” she said, her words coming slowly. “He’s my brother.”
“I know,” I said and I could feel my heart racing again. Only this time, it was with anxiety. “I don’t know what else to do. This isn’t healthy for me.”
“So what about events that I invite you both to?”
“I won’t be able to go. I’m sorry, Mila, but I need to do this for me. You just don’t understand. I love him so much and I just can’t seem to give him up and I just can’t do this anymore.”
“Is this because of Luke?”
“Luke?” I sighed. “I don’t know. But no, not really. Yes, I like Luke. I think he’s handsome and really fun and for some reason he really likes me. And that makes me feel good. It makes me feel like I can be loved, but I also know that this isn’t our time. I can’tgive him all of me and that’s not fair to him. I can’t do that to him just so I can get over Parker. It wouldn’t be fair.”
“Have you spoken to him?”
“No, I’m going to have lunch with him tomorrow. He deserves to know what’s going on and I want to be as honest with him as I can. Maybe in the future we can see if we have a chance, but right now I need to focus on me and healing my heart. I need to focus on my life and being emotionally healthy. I need to purge Parker from my system. I’m done with this.”
“So you’ve given up?” Mila’s voice sounded sadder than I’d ever heard it before, her tone showcasing the hurt in my heart.
“If you want to call it that.” I sighed, not wanting her to make me feel worse about my decision.
“You don’t love Parker anymore?”
“I don’t know what I feel for him anymore. I mean, yes, I love him. I’ll always love him, but I don’t want to be in love with him. I want to completely forget him. I want to forget I ever met him. I want to rid him from my mind completely.” I shook my head, though that wasn’t completely honest. In my heart of hearts, I knew.
“Being around Luke has really made me realize how much Parker just isn’t into me. Luke is a good guy,” I said, my voice suddenly getting loud. “He’s a really good guy. And I like him and he likes me. And he makes me laugh. And he thinks I’m pretty. And he likes being with me. And he asks me on dates. And he texts me. And...” My voice trailed off as I heard Mila breathing into the phone. “I need someone who wants me, Mila. I need someone who can love me. And I’ve thought about it. I’ve wondered if I’m being bad to Luke by dating him, knowing I still have feelings for Parker, and that’s why I’m ending it with him. And I really like Luke. When I’m with him, I don’t think of Parker. Well, not really. Only sometimes. And most of the time I’m okay. Sometimes I even think I could fall for Luke.Sometimes I even think I could love him. Not like I love Parker, at least that’s how I feel now. And do you know how that makes me feel? It makes me feel like I’m never going to find love. You ask me if I still love Parker like it’s that easy. Like that makes my decision easier. The problem is, I love Parker so much. The problem is that he’s my entire world and I’m nothing to him.”
“We won’t be sisters,” Mila said softly.
“We were never going to be sisters.” I sighed, tears wanting to well up in my eyes. “Parker doesn’t care for me like that. I don’t know what his game is. I don’t know why he acts jealous and pretends like he cares but then never does anything. I don’t know and I don’t care anymore. My heart can’t take it anymore. I’ve lost a piece of myself, Mila. I can’t explain it, but a piece of my soul has died. A piece of me is forever gone and the more I hope, the more I love, the more I wait, the more I feel myself fading into oblivion, not caring, not dreaming, not wondering, not living.”
“You should talk to Parker. Call him back and see what he has to say.”
“And tell him what?” I sighed. “It’s not his problem. You can’t blame someone for not loving you. I don’t need to have another conversation with him. I’m sure he feels bad. I’m sure he wishes that he could love me. I know he cares about me. I know he wants me in his life, but I want more than sex. I want more than a good friend. I want a man who would die for me. I want a man who feels my pain. I want a man who can feel my heart. I want a man who loves me so much that he can’t go a day without seeing or talking to me. I want a man who adores me so much that he thinks the sun rises and sets with me. I want a man who thinks about me first thing in the morning and last thing at night. I want a man who would take my last breath for me. I don’t want a man who makes me feel like I can’t breathe. I feel like I’m thewalking dead, Mila. I feel like I can’t even go on another day like this.”
“I wish I could slap him,” Mila mumbled, and I could hear tears falling from her eyes.
“Why are you crying?” I asked her softly, feeling myself wanting to cry as well.
“Because you’re in so much pain and I can feel it.” She sobbed and I could hear the tears running faster now. “I don’t want to lose you, Lara. And I don’t want you to lose yourself, either. I feel like my brother has changed you, torn you down, and now you’re trembling like a flower in a brisk wind.”
“Oh, Mila.” I grabbed my phone tightly. “I don’t even know what to say.”
“You don’t have to be strong now, Lara.” Mila’s voice became strong. “You can cry. You can cry and sob and hug me tight any day of the week. I’m here for you. I love you. You’re my best friend. You’re my soulmate. I will always be here for you.”
“Oh, Mila.” I started crying. “I wish you were here right now. You don’t even know how I feel right now.” My tears started falling like raindrops in a thunderstorm, heavy and dark, and I could feel my nose running as well. I could hear Mila crying, and then I started crying even harder. It was like I could finally let it all out. All the pain and hurt and confusion. All the dreams and hopes. I was letting them all go. And perhaps that was the hardest thing of all.
