Briefly, he scolded himself. Why had he done this? Could he not exert control over himself?
Hánnia!What might she assume about his character? Would she think him weak, since he was acting like anohko nínaa,a contrary man, perhaps even anasóótokiaa nínaa,a foolish man?
He would not blame her if she did. After all, it had taken him a great amount of skill to convince her that she was safe with him, for he could never marry her; yet, he had this moment asked her to be his woman.
Also, if she said "yes," he would be obligated to marry her whether or not his action might be looked upon as a betrayal to his people. Suddenly, he frowned as a thought occurred to him: was it right he should be bound by the unknown opinions of others? Indeed, when it concerned his personal life, was it a mistake to care too greatly about others' ideas of how he should best live his life? After all, no man could tell another man what to do or how to do it.
But, she hadn't yet answered—not yes or no. Instead, she glanced up at him and, catching his eye, stared at him for several long minutes. At last, she said softly, "I will, if you want me to. After all, you own me now."
He frowned and he signed, "I don't understand your words."
She looked away from him and seemed to focus sadly on a corner of their little abode. But, she didn't translate her words into gestures.
In response, he groaned, the sound deep in his throat. He didn't move, nor did he speak. Why was his question followed by a look of such despair? Because of his proposal?
He hoped this was not so, but there was little he could do except wait for the translation of her words.
"It is complicated," she signed at last. "I admire you," she said with signs and the white man's words. "In many ways, a person might say I have great feelings for you because I feel closer to you than I have ever felt to another person. Indeed, I feel nearer to you than even my own mother. And, certainly, I have more of a connection with you than I do with the man I have agreed to marry."
She paused. And, he waited.
"But," she signed after a while, "I believe you are right when you said we would not easily fit into each other's lives. If I were to marry you, where would we live? A woman needs to have a home, not only for her, but for her husband's needs and for the children she will bear. I cannot live with you in your village for long periods because I would miss my mother, my sister and all my relatives. And, I don't even know if your people would accept me. Let me ask you this: could you live in my world?" As her hands finished asking the question, she looked directly into his eyes.
"I..." he began, but dropped his hands as he considered the many aspects of his life he would be required to change were they to marry. At last he signed, speaking also in Blackfeet, "I feel I am long to admit this to you, but I have admired you since the first time I ever saw you. I was at first fascinated with your beauty. Then, when I witnessed your courage as you spoke to me, my admiration for you grew. It is why I am here with you now. And, I do not understand why this man you are to marry left you behind and is not here in my place. I would rather die than let you remain in a blizzard alone. If the blizzard were to take you, then it would take me, also.
"But, you ask if I could live in your world? Become a white man? And, to do this despite my duty to use my talents for the good of my people? If I were to do this, I fear that forever I would not be able to live in peace with myself, having deserted my people. Could I be a white man? Live a white man's life? Leave my people? If this be what you are asking me, my answer is that I cannot."
She sat silently for many moments, until at last she spoke and signed, "I understand, for I feel the same about this as you. Perhaps I should give you my answer about marriage in this way: if I lived in your world, I would not hesitate to be your wife. After all, you own my life now, and if we lived in the same village becoming yours would be easier."
He frowned. "Own your life?" he asked with sign. "What do you mean 'own'?"
She hesitated before speaking, until at last she raised her hands to sign, "Had you not found me, I would have died. But, you did find me, and I am alive now only because of you. And, it's not simply that you came to me and found me; there was something in your voice when you spoke to me during the first night when I was between the dead and living...it was as though you were begging me to live. And so, I did live, perhaps only to please you. Therefore, it follows that you own me now, which means I am a slave to you, or perhaps you could say I must now spend my life serving you instead being the master of my own life. This is because without you and your actions, I would not be alive."
He was stunned. Indeed, he was speechless, for her words and hands conveyed a concept he did not understand. He hesitated, not knowing what to say. However, after taking a moment to collect his thoughts, he signed, "It is true. I was begging you to live, but I did only as any other would do. By 'owning' and living only to serve me, do you mean as I might own a horse? Is this what you are telling me?"
"Yes, I suppose you could say it in this way."
"But, you are not a horse. Why would you think I would do this to you?"
She shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe because there are some in my society who do believe they own their wives and their families, their children...sometimes they feel they own others who aren't even related to them. My grandfather saved my grandmother's life, and my grandmother was required to marry this man. Her own father insisted upon this. Theirs was not a happy marriage.
"Before my grandmother died, she confided to me that she had been in love with another man who had asked her father for her hand in marriage. But, it was not granted. And, upon my grandmother's marriage to my grandfather, the man she truly loved took his life. She never forgave herself."
He closed his eyes and sighed before he signed, "Such strange customs these are, to cause these young people so great an unhappiness. And, you wish to stay with these people who believe this way?"
"I have grown up in this society. It is all I have known. Were I to leave it, I think I would be lost. But, because I owe you my life, I will agree to marry you if you want me to. It will be difficult, but if I must, then, like my grandmother, I must."
"Must?" he signed. "Owned? Serving only me? To be unhappy like your grandmother? This is not right. You do nothaveto marry me simply because I have saved your life. I asked you when perhaps I should not have mentioned this at all. You are not 'mine,' and I will step out of your life if you want me to as soon as I return you to the fort."
She was crying, and his tongue seemed to fail him yet again. What could he say to her to bring about a change in her viewpoint?
He began to speak again, his hands translating his words. "It is not in my heart to cause you grief. Indeed, a marriage between us would be very hard on us both. Let us speak of this more. Surely, you know that no man can own another man, and this includes women. Sun, the Creator, which gives life to us all, does not choose one man over another. I do not 'own' you. I do not now, nor would I ever, require you to serve only me. Indeed, all men in my tribe are expected, even required, to come to the aid of a woman in need. Do you understand? It is expected. It is required of a man." He said it and signed it twice to give it emphasis.
She paused before signing, "Perhaps it is required in your society, but not mine; just as it is true that no man ought to own another. But, still, it happens. Understand, please, when I tell you because you saved my life, I believe I now owe you my life. And so, if you wish me to marry you, I have no choice but to do so."
"No choice?" he asked in sign, shaking his head and frowning. "This cannot be right. Every man and woman has a choice. Are you telling me that if you came to live in my village, you would always be unhappy in your life because you were unwilling to, yet had to become my woman?"
"I...I do not know how to answer that. If I say 'yes,' then I am saying I would be unhappy living with you. If I say 'no,' I am speaking about a life I do not have any experience with. How could I truthfully say 'no'? But, also, how could I truthfully say 'yes'?"
