"I know, but what you fail to understand is that I am not the same as I was before you came to rescue me," she signed. "I have changed, perhaps forever."
"And, how have you changed?"
Again, she paused, and when she glanced up at him she saw him watching her intently. However, she looked away from him as she gathered enough courage to say and sign, "Because I love you. This is how I've changed. After all, how could I not love you? You saved my life. Does this mean I love you as I might love a husband? I can't say ‘yes, I do,’ but, then again, I can't say ‘no,’ either. It is confusing to me. However, this I do know: I can't live the life of an Indian, so I shall never willingly come with you."
When she glanced back at him, she saw his look at her was so sober, she wanted to shake some emotion into him. But then, she didn't wish to shake him, either. All she knew was she was tied to this man in a way that seemed impossible to break.
Why didn't he take the decision from her?
After all, she had heard from her father and other traders that an Indian man could steal a wife, only to discard her if she did not please him. Why didn't he simply take her as his wife and be done with it? If she brought trouble into his life, he could bring her back to the fort and that would be that. At least, in this way, she would have repaid her debt to him.
As she awaited his reply, her attention went to the howling of the wind outside and the shaking of their little hut as the buckskin ropes that held it in place whistled against the gale. Only the sparks from the fire added to the roaring sound of the blizzard outside. Once again, she was reminded that if not for this man she would still be out in the storm and dead.
At last, he raised his hands to sign, "You say you love me, though not as a man you might marry. I admire your courage in speaking to me in this manner.
"And, now I say this to you: I, too, have loved you almost from the moment I first saw you, but have not felt it my place to make you aware of my feelings, for you have already given your promise to marry another. Unlike you, however, I know I would desire you to be my wife if our ways of living were more alike. It would be difficult, as you say. But, I am willing to try. What I cannot do is take you to be my woman when you do not wish it. It is wrong."
"But," she signed, "if marriage to me has been in your thoughts, don't Indian men sometimes steal the woman they want to marry?"
"Yes, they do," he responded in sign.
"Wouldn't this be a better way to settle this? You take me. You are unhappy with me. You bring me back. My debt to you is repaid."
"I doubt I would ever bring you back. But, you forget, I am a medicine man, and my way in life is different from most. If I took you, then brought you back, you would be ruined. I cannot do this to you."
"But, my debt would be repaid."
"At your sacrifice. Consider this, even if we were of the same race and well known to each other, I still would not be able take you for a wife without you first throwing this coward of a man away."
"What does it mean, to ‘throw him away’? A divorce? But, I am not yet married to him."
"It means you must tell him you do not wish to marry him. Get some object—a stick perhaps—and say the stick is he and then throw it away. Only then would you be free of him, and free to marry another or no one... whatever it is you wish."
"Oh," was all she replied. Then, after a moment, she asked, "Did you say you love me?"
He sighed, yet signed, "I did." He looked at her strangely, however, as though he were confessing a sin. "I see now my mistake in thinking to use this game in a way where only you can win. I was wrong to think I could play the game where the result is already set. Of course you would object because, as you see it, you would not be 'saving my life.' My thoughts have been only to free you from me.
"But, I now understand it the way you see it," he continued. "This being so, the game ofCos-soówill not aid us. Perhaps we should speak our thoughts to one another until we are certain we understand each other. Perhaps this might free you. Can you agree to this?"
"I'm not certain. What do you mean by 'agree to this'? That we talk until I realize I don't owe you my life? If so, what you ask will not happen."
"No, this is not what I intend," he signed. "We will speak of the ideals we hold that cause us to believe as we do, and we will try to understand each other, knowing our differences are held deeply within our hearts. Perhaps our cultures are so far apart, we can never be together peaceably. And then, since we cannot agree, we would be free of each other."
"Oh?" she asked softly, then signed, "So now we musttalkbecause you will not play a game with me unless wecheat? Are you really so confident? Or is it worse? Are you afraid you might lose the game to a girl...and without cheating?"
He shook his head. "I know what you are doing. You are trying to cause me to become angry so I will fight with you and play this game without good rules...rules that should favor you. You, who have never played this game, seem to think you might win againstme." He emphasized the last word as he pointed to himself. Then, he gave her a haughty smile. "It will not happen."
She shrugged and said in English, "Oh?” then continued in sign, “Personally, I think you are a little too smug about this," saying the word “smug” aloud.
"’Smug’?" he repeated. Then, in sign, asked, "What does this word mean?"
"It means overly sure of yourself...and perhaps when you shouldn't be."
He laughed. "Do not mistake me. If you play against me, I will win."
Suddenly, Laylah saw red. She raised her chin a little and signed, "Indeed, this is what you really think?"
"It is."
