“Drowns out the bad?” I echo, needing him to give me some kind of promise of that being true.
He nods his head, walkingcloser. He gently nudges my legs open with his knee, and I oblige, letting him stand between them as he stares down at me.
Flashes of Camilla play in my head. The way I never understood why she did drugs when I was younger. The way I had so much anger towards her for doing them and letting them take her from me. In this moment, all that anger is gone. I understand what she was chasing now. It just makes me sad, wondering what she was going through that made her want to escape so badly, the same way I do. I think about how alone she must have been. How alone I feel sometimes, even when I’m surrounded by people.
He puts his hand on my face, tracing his fingers along my jaw. “What are you trying to drown out?”
A thousand answers crowd my throat, so I answer in the simplest way I know how to.
“The pain…the pain of missing someone that I hate…the pain of missing someone else I wish was still here…the pain of all the fucked up things that have happened in my life.”
He just nods in understanding.
“I’ve never done drugs before,” I tell him. “They’ve always scared me. I don’t want to die or anything. I don’t think I do. I just…want to forget.”
He presses a kiss to my neck, and I lean into the feeling, letting it soothe the fears.
“You’ll be fine,” he whispers. “I promise. I’ll give you half. It’ll help you forget about some of the pain…and I’ll help you forget about the rest, okay?”
I silently nod.
“Stick your tongue out.”
I do as he tells me, getting turned on by how comfortable he’s able to make me feel about this. He breaks one of the pills and gently places it on the center of mytongue before moving his hand to my chin and guiding my mouth closed. He pops one in his mouth, too.
“Swallow it for me.”
As soon as I do, the panic starts to hit me.
What did I do? Why did I do that? What if I hate the way it feels? What if it fucks up my brain even more?
He must see the panic in my eyes because he leans down with his lips hovering just slightly over mine. “Just relax. You’re okay. It’ll kick in a moment, and the anxiety will go away. Tell me what I can do to make you feel better.”
“Just…keep touching me.”
He trails several kisses down my neck until he reaches my collarbone, and then slips a hand under my dress. I pull him down on top of me, forcing myself to breathe and stay calm. Right as it feels like the panic attack is going to take over, this calm rushes over me. Suddenly, everything slows down and gets quiet. Every place his skin touches mine starts to light up, more intense than anything I’ve felt before.
He pulls back, studying me. “How are you feeling?”
“Good…” I pant out, nodding. “Better.”
“Good,” he says with a slow smile. “I told you you would. Now, lie back and let me handle the rest.”
* * *
I lie there with my head tipped back, chest heaving. The world feels like it’s humming. My skin is buzzing, hypersensitive to everything. This isnothinglike being drunk. It feels like being unchained from myself.
He brushes a thumb along my cheek. “You okay?”
I give him a small, dazed smile. “Better than okay. I feel so…happy?”
“Yeah, it’sreally good, huh?”
I nod and tilt my head to the door. “I don’t wanna waste this feeling. Let’s go back to the party.”
We get dressed, and he takes my hand, leading me back out of the room, but I stop him midway. He looks back at me, confused for a moment.
“What if…I wanna do that again? How do I…”
