“Black ones that hide…all of this,” Simone says, waving a hand up and down my body.
“That’s it. I’m changing. I’m too uncomfortable—”
“Absolutely not!” they both shout at me.
I sigh. “Fine…then get me some shoes, and let’s get the hell out of here before I change my mind.”
Neither one protests. Simone grabs a pair of heels and hands them to me to put on. They both grab their purses, and I get up and grab my phone, watching and waiting for them to be turned around. Once they’re distracted, I grab the bag of Xans and—without having any other option here—I slip the bag into the front band of my thong.
As soon as we walk into the house party, I pull the girls to the closest table with any alcohol available, grabbing a shot for each of us and cheersing with them. The burn feels like coming home, and I welcome it, clouded with the desire to find that escape tonight.
We only get two drinks in before one of Simone’s sorority sisters spots her and pulls her away from us. Lani and I are left dancing and taking several more shots together, and right as I’m hitting that sweet spot I love, Lani leans in and tells me she’s going to go find her brother and come back. I wave her off, lost in the beat, swaying andtrying to turn off the lingering thoughts from earlier. She’s not gone for long when those thoughts start to grow louder, and I no longer have a distraction around to pull me away from them. I move my hands down to my hips, pretending to be running my hands along my body as I’m dancing, so it doesn’t look obvious as I check to feel that the pills are still there. I look around to see if Lani or Simone are close by, but they’re nowhere in sight. I slip out of the crowd and into the first empty room I can find, desperate to bring back that feeling from last night. It was the most calming and relaxing high I’ve felt, like my nervous system could finally take a break.
I take one of the pills out, sealing the rest back up and placing them in the band of my underwear again. I look around, having to make do with whatever I can find in here. When I see a paperweight on the small desk in the corner, I grab it and start to break the pill down until it’s fully powder now. I take a random receipt paper and roll it up. Leaning down, I snort the entire line in one motion, impressed with myself. I brush the leftover powder off the dresser and stumble back, feeling off balance. It hits faster tonight. Maybe the alcohol is making its effects quicker, and maybe…I should have stuck to a half.
Oh well, now.
I try to right myself, but can’t. I’m too dizzy. My legs hit the bed frame behind me, and I fall backwards onto it. I lie there, staring at the ceiling, trying to remember what I was trying to forget about. I shrug to myself and smile.
Guess it did the trick then.
I drop my arms beside me, close my eyes, and float away. I didn’t even know the door had opened until I felt someone watching me.
“Sorry,” a guy says. “Thought this was a bathroom.”
“No bathroom here,” I murmur, not opening my eyes.
He chuckles. “Yeah…I can see that. Are…are you high?”
I crack one eye open. “Maybe.”
He walks in slowly, standing over me, and the way his eyes scan me feels all weird and predatory. But I’m too gone right now to care, so I just let it play out.
“You’re really pretty,” he says, staring at the lower half of my body.
I feel exposed all of a sudden. He hovers over me, and the smell of alcohol on his breath makes me gag. Before I can register what’s happening, his mouth is on mine. At first, I don’t know how to feel about it, and then I think, whatever, right? Why not? I was probably going to find some stranger to hook up with tonight anyway. I try to kiss back, but my mouth feels a little numb, and my head is swimming. The contact is gone, and I look up to see him closing the door. Something shifts, and my heart skips as the fear rises to my throat. I can’t move. I can’t stand. Not the way I should. My limbs feel underwater. Then he’s back on me again. Hands roaming everywhere. It’s all too much, too fast, too rough. He’s kissing and touching me while whispering something about helping me ride the high.
I lie there limp.
When I hook up with someone, I want to be present, to be able to enjoy it—this isn’t enjoyable. When one of his hands makes its way under my dress, the baggie falls from my underwear. He holds it up in the air, looking at it and then looking back down at me. “Oh, you’re areallittle junkie, huh?”
The smile on his face makes me want to vomit. I feel the bile rise in my throat, and I force myself to swallow it back down. All I can do is watch him, take in his movements, try to process what’s about to happen. I manage to shake my head, trying to tell him no, but he just laughs, taking in my state and probably realizing he can do anything he wants right now. Idon’t want this. I try to make my arms work, try to push him off, but my strength is gone. My body isn’t listening.
“I don’t want to—,” I mumble, but he ignores me, kissing me harder.
I start to panic, breathing too fast. My mouth feels like cotton. The kissing is so uncomfortable, and I can’t seem to get any air. My body starts to buck, trying to get him off, but his hands quickly move to hold me down. He uses one hand to hold both of my wrists above my head, and then he leans down into the curve of my neck.
“Relax,” he tells me.
As he lifts my dress up all the way to my stomach and moves my thong to the side, my body goes slack. Tears run down my face, and I try to force my brain to shut off, but flashes of Eli forcing himself into me fire off in my brain as I close my eyes. I feel the pain like it’s happening now, but when I open my eyes, it’s not happening—not yet. The guy stands up, taking himself out of his jeans, and then leans back down on top of me.
Even with my throat feeling raw, I manage to get a scream out, making it as loud as possible, hoping someone will hear. “Stop!”
He places a hand over my mouth, trying to silence me, when the door opens up.
He turns to look over his shoulder and tells the guy to get out. When I don’t hear the guy say anything, I think he actually did leave. I start sobbing, thinking that my one shot at being saved just walked back out.
Stop. Please.
