“Do what?” Simone asks all innocently.
I give her a pointed look. “That…talking about me silently right in front of me with your eyes.”
Lani laughs, raising her hands. “Not talking about you. Just…surprised. That’s all. A little hard to believe thatLydiawentfivewhole weekswithout drinking or going out to a party.”
I let out an exaggerated sigh and cross my arms, turning in my seat to look at both of them. “First of all…I’m not some alcoholic. I don’tneedto party and get wasted all the time…it’s just…fun. Shit, sue me. And two,” I drag out, pursing my lips together and looking up like I might be a little guilty still. “I never said Ididn’tdrink the whole time…I just didn’t need to go to any party to do that. Had a couple of study kickbacks in the dorms, kids who were in the same position as me. We would just end the long, hard working nights, drinking a little. Normal stuff, you know. Nothing crazy.”
I mean, give me some credit, that wasn’t afulllie. I really didn’t go to any parties. My anxiety was pretty high the entire holiday break. That’s the main reason I changed my mind about going back home for Christmas. Just the thought of going back there would send me into a full-blown panic attack. As if I would run into every ghost I left there. Everything I came here to run away from.
I feel guilty for not spending the holidays with everyone, but I did a good job of convincing them that I really did want to come back, but that I was so far behind on some of my work, I didn’t have much of a choice but to stay and catch up. And Ididgo to some study kickbacks. Okay, well,onekickback…that I ended up gettingwastedat, doing a line of coke in the bathroom with one of the girls, and then calling Atlas to come pick me up before I ended up passing out in these random girls’ dorms that I only knew from my classes, and in no way trusted to be unconscious around.
I did, however, spend most of my break trying every new drug Atlas would let me. He, of course, wasn’t keen on the idea at first, but after convincing him with some worthwhile sex and my convincing persuasion, I was able to get him to stop telling me no when I would ask. I honestly don’t remember much of the break at this point. I really didn’t want to keep thinking about how everyone was going back home to their picture-perfect lives and picture-perfect families. I love Sarah and Mark…even Huxley…but that eagerness I had to bond with them more before leaving for college was quickly replaced with the fear of disappointing them when drugs came into the picture. Wanting to stay away so they didn’t see how badly I was failing at all of this.
The break was still productive, though, with all the fun new things I tried—shrooms, LSD, Ecstasy, a little fentanyl, and even some heroin. Although between me and you…I can’t do heroin ever again. Amazing…but I’m a fucking college student. I’m still able to fake my way through classes and life on a little Oxy, Addy, and some bars like I’ve been doing. Heroin? Fuck no. That’s some serious shit right there. I had to make Atlas promise me, no matter how bad I got…that he would never let me do that shit again. Same with Fent, honestly. I need to be able to control this spiral…and those would take me to a place I couldn’t come back from.
Lani studies me, like she’s trying to figure out if I’m telling the full truth or not.
Spoiler—I never am.
I smile at her, pretending to be excited to distract her. “That’s why I’msoready for tonight! It’s beentoolong since I had fun with my girls.”
I quickly turn to face the window, looking outside as we pull up to the house. I let my face drop, dreading tonight, actually. You see, it’s easy to hide the high when it’s on my terms. When I can control what I take. When I only have access to what I’m used to taking.
There’s a reason I haven’t been to any parties lately. I know I can’t control myself anymore. If it’s around, if it’s presented to me, I can’t stop myself; I can’t say no. A different part of my brain starts to make the decisions. It’s like a shark that smells blood. Its instincts go into overdrive, and it can’t stop until it’s gotten a taste. If I’m being evenmorehonest with myself, I’ve been scared of being at any party after…you know…what happened. I replay that moment over and over in my head more often than I’d like. Most of the time, when the thoughts of that night take over…I don’t just think about what happened…I think about whatwouldhavehappened. My mind torments me with every possibility that would have happened ifhehadn’t walked in when he did. The sickest parts of my mind take over and serve up every fucked up image of me being raped on a platter. Putting the pain I can never forget from Eli with the image of someone new taking that power away from me too. I do my best to turn them off, distract myself, take whatever I can to make them go away. And usually it works…usually.
I think that’s also why I’ve only slept with Atlas since then. It’s not that I like him like that or anything…I don’t think I do, at least. I honestly don’t think Icanlike anyone like that ever again. I just feel safe with him in some weird way. We’ve kind of become really good friends. Granted, most of the time we spend together is spent getting off or getting high, but, like, still…we have a good time together. I tell him about a lot, probably too much sometimes.
He doesn’t really open up about much with his past, other than he’s always had a shitty relationship with his parents and siblings, being the black sheep of awell-offfamily…and that he hasn’t seen them since he started college, but I don’t really know many details outside of that. If he’s told me any, I was probably too high to remember.
I think we connect on some broken-people level. We understand the pain in each other’s heads that makes us wanna turn it all off.
He doesn’t do the same drugs I do. He always wants to be aware of what’s going on around him…but he still understands. He’s been there before, and it’s nice having someone who gets it.
We’re walking up to the house when Simone’s phone rings. She stops to pull it out, and we all stop walking. I let out a breath, a little grateful for the delay. A second to get my head together and convince myself that I can do this, that I’ll be fine, that I won’t do anythingtoostupid. When I look back up at Simone, her face visibly drops. I watch as she walks away a little, as if she doesn’t want anyone to hear what she’s saying. She looks upset—sad even, like there’s this desperate expression on her face. I look over at Lani to see if she sees what I’m seeing, and she just gives me a shrug like she knows something is wrong, too, but has no clue what it could be. Simone hangs up the phone, shoving it back into her purse, and it almost looks like she pretends to look for something else in that tiny ass purse just to play off that she has to wipe what I assume were tears from her face.
Was she crying? Why was she crying?
She looks up at us and smiles—it’s definitely a fake smile, but we both just smile back as she walks back over to us.
“Ready to have fun tonight, girls?” she asks way too cheerfully all of a sudden.
Lani gives me a questioning look, like,Should we ask or should we play along?I don’t like whatever that was. I don’t like seeing Simone upset. Lately, my emotions have been completely turned off. I don’t feel much anymore. As long as I’m high, I’m happy. When I’m high, everything goes away—the thoughts, the pain, the feelings, the caring, the memories, everything gets locked behind this door that I threw away the key to. But in this moment, those feelings start seeping back through, just a little.
“Is everything okay?” I ask her.
She sniffles quietly and plays it off with a forced laugh. “What? Yeah. Totally.”
“Simone,” I say seriously.
“What? I’m serious. Everything’s good. Let’s go party.”
“Who was that?”
She looks at me like she’s begging me with her eyes to just drop it…but I can’t. Simone isalwayshappy…always. Other than when she’s mad at me or sad about something I did or something that happened to me…But this? This definitely isn’t about me.So…what is going on?
She lets out a small sigh. “It was…Tyler. Everything’s okay, though. Let’s just go have a good time. Please.”
I pause. Trying to wrap my head around why she would be sad talking to Tyler.
