“Tyler?” I ask, confused. “You were upset, though? Did he do something to you…? Did that fuckercheatonyou?”
Lani looks confused, bouncing her head between us, looking like she’s trying to solve the puzzle here too.
Simone’s head snaps back. “What? No! No, he didn’t cheat. I mean, not that I know of. No…I don’t think he would…do that, no.”
I lift a brow. “That’s a lot of no’s, Simone…Do youthinkhe might have or something?”
She lets out a resigned breath. “I don’t know…I don’t think so. It’s just…he was acting so weird over the Christmas break, like…distant, you know? He acted like he was busy most of the break and barely saw me while we were both back home. Even on Christmas and New Year’s…we were together, but…it was like his mind was somewhere else. I kept asking what was wrong, and he would say nothing was wrong, that he didn’t know what I was talking about. That’s how we left things off, and when I got back to campus, he barely called or texted for days.”
“What the hell?” Lani interjects.
I shake my head. “So…what wasthatcall about then? What did he say?”
Simone shakes her head, too. “Just that…we needed totalk.”
I see Lani’s mouth drop open a little.
“Talk?” I ask, repeating her.
She nods her head. “Yeah…and you know what that means. I just couldn’t deal with that right now, so I told him this wasn’t the time. That I was out and couldn’t talk right now. I mean, damn…there has to be someone else…right? Why else would he be breaking up with me after all of these years? Nothing has been wrong…until now.”
“That’s bullshit, Simone. What the hell? I should kick his ass—”
Simone puts her hand up. “I don’t even want to think about it, honestly…I just want to go inside and get my mind off it for the night. If I don’t, I’ll start to spiral thinking about him with someone else…and I…I just can’t.”
I take her arm in mine and turn to extend my other hand out for Lani to take too, and we all walk in together.
The music is pounding so hard I can feel it running wild through my veins. Lani’s got her arm slung around Simone, both of them laughing so hard they’re barely standing. We’re shoulder to shoulder at the counter, throwing back shot after shot. I watch Simone’s smile falter when she thinks no one’s looking. Still in her head. I hate it.
I slam another shot down in front of her to take and then scream over the bass, “Fuck boys!”
She shakes her head, laughing through the sting of the tequila going down. “Ugh, but I still love him, Lydia!”
“Love sucks, though! All it does is give people the fucking power to hurt you!” I yell back. She lifts another plastic shot cup. “Cheers to that!”
We down them, and for a while…the night is pretty good. I’m watching Simone and Lani dance together, hair swinging, smiles that don’t look forced. I love them so much it hurts. Sometimes, I wonder what it’s like to be them. To not spiral every time life takes a swing at you. To not need something in your system just to breathe. To have a brain that doesn’t shut down at every little trigger. Because God forbid if you feel any small emotion, you feel them all.
Awaken by Big Wild plays, and the beat swallows me whole. The lights blur, and for a second, it’s almost too much. My head feels too full. I reach into my pocket. Pull out an empty bag.
“Shit,” I mutter under my breath. My eyes flick around, finding Simone and Lani. They’re still lost in the music, so I slip out the front door, into the freezing night air, weaving through strangers until I’m back at the car. I start tearing it apart. The glove box, under the seat, the console—panic starting to take over.
I know I brought more.
I can’t find it anywhere, and I’m getting agitated quickly. The anxiety is getting louder. I have to have something. Ineedsomething. The fear of not having anything feels more painful than actually not having it in my system. The way my body claws at me to feed the beast. My headand thoughts get so loud that none of what I hear or feel is coherent anymore. I hate this feeling. I needsomething, now.
I head back inside, opening up the first door I see that looks promising. I find exactly what I’m looking for—two girls sitting on the side of a bathtub and a guy breaking something down on the bathroom counter across from them.
He looks up at me and smiles. “Shit…looks likeyouneed a hit of this.”
I swallow down the nerves and nod, not even caring what it is, just needing anything. He gestures for me to come over to him and holds the small straw over one of the lines for me to do. I let him guide the straw as I take the hit.
“Fuckkk…thank…you.”
He laughs and nods at me. “Hope that helps.”
One of the girls waves me over to sit next to them, and I do…I sit there for a second, waiting for it to fully kick in. The alcohol makes it hit quick, though, and hard. My body goes light, the music muffles, and everything feels…better. Not good. Just…less. That’s all I need. My limbs go light, my chest loosens up, and the panic finally settles into forgetting any problems even exist.
I finally get up and stumble back out, plastering on a smile and trying to look normal.
