I’m telling you, caring about someone else like that only gets you hurt. I don’t know why people crave that pain.
51
Lydia
I’ve been riding this wave for months after spring break; this high I was really enjoying. I was feeling kinda normal for a change, happy even.
The thing about feeling so high for that long again…is that there’s always a down that follows, and this might be the worst one yet. The thoughts are so loud tonight, sitting in my empty dorm. Empty in the same way I always feel. No matter how many things I try to replace the emptiness with…it’s always still there, waiting.
I’m supposed to go home for summer break, and just the thought of being back in that city makes my skin crawl. I don’t want to be there, but I can’t stay here. I don’t really want to be anywhere anymore. I’m so tired of the whiplash from all the highs and lows. The lows are starting to swallow me whole, and I don’t think I can keep on like this. The cycle never seems to end.
The voices won’t shut up.
They loop. Telling me how much my friends hate me. That nobody cares. That everyone I love is gone or getting tired of me. I don’t even want anything out of this life, not really. I mean, how do you plan for a future when you don’t even see yourself living long enough to have one? I’ve thought about ending it so many times I could map the route blindfolded. I hate Eli for what he did and the way he took out. But I get it.
I hate him so much for what he did to me, what he did to my brain. It’s been a whole year since he destroyed my life and the future I could have had without him stuck in every thought. I just want it all to stop, to finally be quiet. Maybe that’s all people are ever trying to find when they leave.
I stare at the bottle in my hand, contemplating, but I know there’s not enough there. Not to make sure it stays quiet.
My fingers automatically start moving, desperately not wanting to change my mind.
Lydia: Need a summer break stash. Can you front me?
Atlas: At Kay’s dorm. Swing through
Kay answers the door when I knock. She’s beautiful, but in an ‘always looks strung out but still effortlessly pretty’ kind of way.
She grins at me like we’re friends when we both know we aren’t.
“Hey, babe,” she calls back into the room, “your girl’s here.”
I almost laugh.Your girl.Cute. Little passive, but whatever.
Atlas stands up from the couch, game controller tossed aside, another guy still playing without him. He looks at me as he walks over, likereallylooks at me, like he’s counting all the bruises no one else can see. “You good?”
“I’m me. So, no,” I say, shrugging. “But what’s new? Same old, same old.”
He tries again, voice lower when he reaches me, shaking his head. “Nah, there’s something else…” He nods his head in the direction of the hall, outside the dorm. “But let’s talk out here.”
He leads me into the hallway, and Kay squeezes past us, giving Atlas an unnecessarily long kiss and telling him she’ll be right back, asking if we need anything. He tells her we’re good as she’s walking away, looking back, like she’s trying to assess the likelihood of anything happening while she’s gone.
No, babe, I don’t want your man. I just want the out he holds hostage.
I slide down to the floor, arms on my legs, staring blankly across the hall at the glass window, my reflection haunting me. All that stares back is an empty soul with no fight left to give.
I see him sit down beside me, turning his body to fully look at me.
“What’s going on with you? You’ve been…off…and I meanmoreoff than normal.”
I turn to glare at him. “I’m alwaysoff.”
“Yeah…but this is like…more. Like sadder than normal.”
He narrows his eyes at me, and I squint back, mocking him. “I guess this is just kinda the baseline now…” I pause for a moment, my expression shifting into a questioning one. “Why do you care so much anyway? You’ve been pretty fucking busy withKaylately. It’s not like you have much time for me anymore…or actually give a fuck.”
He looks up at me, holding my stare. “Not fair, Lyd.”
“Don’t call me that,” I tell him. “Only my friends call me that.”
