“Damn,Lydia…I thought wewerefriends.”
I just shrug.
I don’t know why I’m being such a bitch right now, just in the mood for a fight, I guess? I don’t fucking know anymore.
He lets the silence hang for a moment. “I’ve always cared about you, Lydia…too much sometimes, actually.”
I blink. “What does that mean?”
“Nothing.”
He looks away. Then back at me. I hold his stare for a moment, trying to read what he’s silently saying.No…can’t be.
“You’re…with her.”
“Yeah…I’m with her. Because she’s nice, and she likes me, and she’s…a good distraction.”
“Distraction from…what?”
He swallows. “From you.”
I laugh…because I don’t know what else to do. “From me?”
He looks almost annoyed. “Yeah, Lyd…from you. I mean fuck, it’s not like you do the whole love thing, or relationships, or anything more than just meaningless casual sex…and I get that. I’ve known that…But, fuck. Maybe I started to want all that shit. So I put some space here between us before I kept letting you hurt me when you weren’t trying to.”
“I didn’t—” I start.
“It’s okay.” He lifts a hand, waving me off. “I know we aren’t that, or that you couldn’t ever want that, but just…trust me, I’ve always cared. That’s all I’m saying.”
I’m kind of shocked here…at a complete loss for words.
“Why?” I ask quietly.
“Why what?”
I stare up at him, confused. “Why would you want any of that…with me?”
“You really don’t realize how you make people feel when they’re around you, huh? You think you’re all broken and shit”—he smiles, and I do too, barely—“but you still have this…pure thing under it all. This light, I guess. I know people in your past really hurt you, but deep down, you still have a really fucking beautiful soul, Lydia. And it’s pretty captivating.”
He reaches over and pushes a strand of hair behind my ear. The gesture feels like a scene from a life I know I won’t ever get to experience. I don’t know what to do with any of it. I don’t believe it. I don’t know how to. The only future that ever flashes behind my eyes is empty and cold. It’s just me, alone, forever. A life with no purpose. Sleep with no rest.
The sound of the stairwell door closing and Kay’s voice filtering through the hallway again has Atlas standing up from the floor, putting space between us, not wanting to cross any more lines. He clears his throat, walking back into the dorm as I follow. He pulls a small bottle from his bag. Then reaches over to hand it to me, and when I grab it, he holds his hand over mine, forcing me to look up at him before he’ll let go.
“Be careful.”
“Always,” I lie, stuffing it into my pocket. “Thanks.”
“Wanna smoke together before you go?”
Yes.
“No. I gotta…go pack. Thanks, though.”
I’m out of the dorm before anyone can question me. I needed to get out before the panic started to take back over.
Everything feels too heavy as I walk down the hall and down the stairs. Everything feels wrong—my head, my body, my heart…like none of them want to be here. They’re all in agreement that I’m not cut out for this life. My brain hates me, my mind never shuts off, my heart doesn’t work, and my body isn’t far behind with the way I treat it.
I fill my days with getting by just enough so I can go get high again, turn it all back off as soon as I can. I spend every free night I have trying to find any guy to hook up with to make myself feel some fake version of love and intimacy that never sticks. I leave every bed hating myself more and more. All I do is fuck things up, ruin people’s lives, and make a mess that other people constantly have to clean up. You know, maybe…maybe Iamthe fucking villain in this story. I used to think I was the victim…and maybe I still am, or was, but now? Now I’m alsothe one who’s doing the hurting. Starting fires just to keep myself warm while it burns everyone else around me. I don’t want to be the reason other people are in pain. I don’t want to be here if all I’m going to do is hurt the people I care about. I just want to disappear before I let the match actually hit the floor, destroying things beyond repair.
