Shut up, please. I’m okay. Nobody is thinking about me that way. If I play into the thoughts, I become the thoughts. I don’t have to be them.
I try to focus back in on what Pali is saying, and when I look up, everyone is looking at me, waiting. I look over to Bash, who has a little bit of concern written on his face. He mouths to me, “You okay?”
I quickly nod and look back at Pali, who repeats whatever she must have just asked that I missed. “Did you have any ideas?”
I search my brain, pushing away the anxiety for a moment so I can pull back out the idea I had ready. “Um, yeah. Well, everyone crashes around three, right? Instead of chugging another energy drink, our project can test a super basic ‘3 PM Reset’ for three days…so at 3:00 p.m., you drink two cups of water and take a 10-minute walk, outside if you can, or just a lap inside. That’s it. We’ll see if that tiny reset lowers the afternoon slump and cuts the urge for caffeine.”
Pali gives me a solid nod. “Oh, I like that.” She looks around at the boys for agreement, and they both nod. “Cool, let’s go with that.”
We finish up with small details and then plan to meet up at the library in two days, texting between now and then to organize some thoughts and ways to collect what data we need.
Everyone files out of the class, and as I head towards the stairway door, an arm reaches in front of me to push the door open. I look over my shoulder to see Bash standing there, waiting for me to keep walking. He falls in step beside me as we head down the stairs that lead back out onto campus, and nudges my arm lightly.
“You okay? Seemed like something bothered you back there.”
I don’t know if I like the way he reads me so easily. I don’t know if I want him to be some constant therapist hovering over me, analyzing me like some project.
“I’m good,” is all I give him, short, even though I don’t want to be with him.
“Okay,” he says, not pushing. “Sorry, didn’t mean to overstep—”
“It’s fine,” I interrupt. “I’ll see you around, okay?”
“Yeah,” he replies, holding the bottom door open for me.
I keep walking, but look back once to see him standing there, holding the door for a couple more students, still watching me.
* * *
“First, he’s facilitating the recovery group, now you have a class with him?” Lani says, shocked. “I think the universe is like throwing him in your face at this point, girl.”
I roll my eyes, taking a sip of the perfectly warm pumpkin latte that feels like a little tasteof exactly how fall looks. “I don’t know about that. I mean, there’s like ethics in recovery and support groups, right? Like, you can’t even be friends or hang out with people running groups like that. It’s some power dynamic shit.”
“Dang, that sucks,” Simone throws in. “He’s really cute, and seems like he’s really sweet. Like every interaction y’all have had seems like it’s scripted from some movie, where the main male character is pining for the girl with a lost soul, saving her in the end.”
Exactly.
“Yeah, I don’t need saving, or to be anyone’s personal save-a-bitch project.”
“Of course not,” Simone quickly adds. “But like, would it be so bad topretendto need saving and fall into those strong, firm, protective arms?”
I swat at her, laughing. “Again, ethics, y’all.”
“Ethics are party-poopers,” Lani says, sticking her tongue out.
“What would I even do with a guy like that?” I ask. “I don’tdorelationships…and he looks like the relationship type…and I’m supposed to be avoiding the whole meaningless hookups for a ‘temporary release’ thing.”
“Would a relationship really bethatbad?” Simone asks. “Like, not tomorrow or anything, but like, down the line maybe, if you found a guy you actually trust and felt safe with?”
“I don’t know if I’ll ever feel safe with a guy again…” I shrug. “So, I don’t know.”
“Well, for what it’s worth,” Lani says. “You’re worth loving. I hope one day you can find that.”
Simone and I both look at each other and then back at Lani.
“Where’syourrelationship at, Lani?” I ask her, teasingly.
She laughs, waving us off. “Hey, I don’t knock a relationship. I justhaven’t found anyone who can match and handle all this personality.”
