I look over to Sarah, who is smiling, and then to Eli, who just shrugs and smiles too.
I open it up and pull the document out, but I’m still confused.
“We have started the beginning process of filing for adoption,” Mark tells me.
My mouth falls open. “What?”
Sarah walks over to me and kneels down next to the open car door.
“It’s a long process, but we would like to adopt you…if that’s okay with you.”
I don’t know why I’m getting emotional…I don’t cry at much. Everything stays pretty bottled up. But the overwhelming feeling of being wanted for a change inmy life is jarring. My brain doesn’t want to accept it. It doesn’t know how to. These people barely know me. Everyone has always found a reason to get rid of me. What do they see differently?
Sarah takes my hand, and I stand from the car, hugging both of them. “Yes,” is all I can get out through the happy tears.
Once I’m up in my room with Eli, I let the mixed feelings I’m having take back over. He’s always felt like a safe space for me to share my darker thoughts. He always listens and just lets me process them. After telling him everything I’m feeling, he wraps me in a hug and tries to kiss away the pain, like he always does. I let myself drown in the thoughts and then be revived by his touch. It feels like just another confirmation that he’s the one I want to give everything to. My heart, my mind, my body.
When we step back from each other, I realize I haven’t gotten to open his gift yet. I quickly grab it from the bed and sit down on the edge to open it. He sits down next to me, watching and smiling. When I open it, I see a limited edition copy of my favorite book and squeal in excitement. He tells me to open it, and when I do, I see that it’s signed by the author, and down at the bottom, Eli added the date that he asked me out.
“Eli…this is crazy! How did you even—oh my goodness! I love it!”
I grab him and kiss him, pushing him back on the bed. He laughs and pulls me on top of him, kissing me back.
“Okay, okay…I should go get dressed. I told Simone seven o’clock to meet downtown at Vapianos.”
He rolls me off of him and then watches me as I walk to the bathroom.
When I come back out, he sets his phone down, looking up at me. His mood instantly shifts, and I can feel it get cold in the room.
“You’re wearing that out?”
“Yeah? You don’t like it?”
He props himself up, leaning back on his elbows. “Um, it’s just…it’s a little inappropriate, don’t you think?”
I look down at myself. It’s nothing that crazy, nothing I wouldn’t normally wear. “Um, I didn’t think there was anything wrong with it. Simone picked it out with me.”
“Of course she did. I mean, if you want every guy looking at you and being able to see every part of your body,” he says, shrugging, “fine.”
I hate the way this feels. How I went from feeling really good about myself, liking my outfit, and excited for a birthday dinner with my boyfriend and best friend, to feeling like I’m doing something wrong.
“You’re my girlfriend now,” he continues. “I don’t want everyone having a front-row seat to every crease and curve of your body.”
“I…I can change, I guess. Should I try something else on?”
“I mean, you were already planning on wearing that out. You didn’t see a problem with it, so I guess it doesn’t matter.”
I feel this panic, like I need to fix whatever is going on here. “No, it’s okay. It’s kind of uncomfortable anyway. I have something else I was thinking about wearing.”
I head back into my closet and reluctantly take off the dress. It was so cute, and I was looking forward to taking pictures in it with Eli and Simone.
I find something that isn’t as tight and a little longer, trying to figure out what’s okay and what’s not, hoping what I pick is right.
When I come back out, Eli is now smiling. “Wow, seethatlooks really good on you, babe.”
I want to feel good about his compliment, but it feels weird now. I push away the feeling and try not to let it affect our night.
“Thank you.”
