“Well, I don’t want to right now, Eli…you’re scaring me, and I don’t like fighting like this. I can’t be around you right now.”
“I just don’t want you to make me look stupid, Lydia. I’d rather you tell me if you’re talking to other guys or sleeping around instead of me finding out elsewhere.”
I take a deep breath, trying to stop the panic from taking over. “I’m not. Now please…take me home.”
He hits the wheel, and I jump. “I can’t lose you, Lydia!”
I feel the tears start to run down my cheeks. “You’re not losing me. I haven’t done anything! I don’t talk to anyone else. I’ve only ever had sex with you. You’re the only person I’m sleeping with, and the only person Iwantto be with.”
“Then don’t make me feel like you are.”
“I didn’t do anything purposely to make you feel that way.”
He doesn’t say anything else for a while.
“Are you still coming over, or you really wanna go home?”
I look over at him, confused as to why everything just flipped like that. My anxiety is too high right now, and I just want to be alone and calm down.
“I just need a little space, Eli. I wanna go home…”
“Whatever.”
That’s all he says before taking the turn that heads back to my house.
Once I’m inside, I hurry up to my room before Sarah or Mark can try to talk to me. I need to be alone right now. As soon as I close my bedroom door, the tears come on full force. I run to my bed and press my face into the pillow. I can’t stop my body from shaking and the tears from flowing. I don’t know what I did wrong. Why would he get so mad like that? I’ve never given him a reason not to trust me, so why now? He’s never made me feel like I was unsafe with him. He’s always taken care of me and has always hated to see me cry, but all I saw was anger today, for something I didn’t even do.
My heart is racing so fast, and I feel like I can’t breathe. I don’t feel like myself all of a sudden, and I know the panic attack is starting again. I reach over and open the drawer beside my bed, pulling out the pill bottle. I hate taking pills. The only thing I take on a daily basis is my antidepressant, and that’s just so I can get through life without being taken under by the constant current in my mind. But I also have a prescription for Xanax just in case I need it. After telling my doctor how often I was having panic attacks a while back, they told me I could take these as needed when it got bad. I reluctantly open it up and pour one of the pills into my hand. It always makes me nervous to take drugs like this. Scared I’ll end up likethem. But I can’t function right now; I can’t breathe. I just need it to stop.
I take the pill and try to lie down. I do some breathing exercises to calm my heart rate, and eventually I drift off to sleep. Xanax always knocks me out, and when the anxiety is really bad, I invite the sleep. At least my mind can turn off for a while that way.
When I wake back up, it’s dark outside. I feel groggy like I always do after taking Xanax. I hate the come off of it, but at least the panic has stopped. I have no idea what time it is, so I grab my phone to check. The panic hits a little again when I see my screen light up.
15 missed text messages from Eli.
20 missed calls from Eli.
I open my phone with shaky hands. Scared to read them.
Eli: I’m sorry. Please don’t be mad
Eli: Why are you ignoring me?
Eli: Are you breaking up with me??
Eli: I can’t believe this
Eli: I said I was sorry
Eli: You’re everything to me. Please just talk to me
Eli: You know how much I love you
Eli: I didn’t mean to yell. I just got scared
Eli: I need you
Eli: Please don’t do this
