I nod.
His shoulders drop, and guilt is written all over his face now. “Look—I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to get so angry yesterday. It’s just—the thought of you with someone else makes me kinda lose it.”
I step closer, desperately wanting to reassure him. “There isn’t anyone else. It’s just you. Always. You never have to worry about that.”
He searches my face, looking for any lie behind that statement. “You sure?”
“Yes. Completely sure.”
He finally relaxes some and reaches his hand out to cup my face. “Are we okay now?”
“I want us to be,” I whisper. “I don’t want to fight like that, Eli. I hate it.”
“Me too,” he says, softer now, pulling me closer and kissing my cheek.
My heart finally feels calmer now, feeling like we’re okay, we’re good, everything is back to normal.
He pulls back, looking into my eyes. “I love you, Lydia.”
“I love you too.”
We walk back into the school, holding hands, stopping at my locker near my first-period class.
He kisses me again, softer this time. “See you after school.”
“See you,” I echo quietly, watching him walk away.
Katie rounds the corner, and I watch as her eyes lock onto Eli. It looked like she smiled at him, but I couldn’t see his face, so I don’t know if he even saw her. With how much he doesn’t like her, I doubt he was paying attention to her. When he disappears out of sight, and I turn back to my locker, closing it.
Katie walks up, placing her back against the lockers beside mine. “Hey. You still coming to the party tonight?”
I relax a bit, glad she doesn’t seem upset with me anymore. “Yeah, we’ll be there.”
The rest of the day ends up dragging, each minute feeling like an eternity being in this place.
Finally, when the last bell rang, and all the students flooded the hallway, Eli finds me, slipping an arm around my shoulder and walking me out to the parking lot. He dapped up a few guys on the way out, and they always gave me a polite smile and said hey. It was never the guys at this school who were the problem. It’s always the girls who constantly say things under their breath or spread rumors about me.
When we get to Eli’s car, he leans back against it and pulls me into him. His body feels so perfect under mine, strong, muscular, like it always knows how to take care of me.
“You sure we’re good?” he asks again, searching my face.
“Yes,” I assure him, meaning it.
He tilts my chin up, kissing my lips again, deeper this time. Our kiss only broke when one of the guys yelled out, “Get a room!”
Eli flipped them off playfully, making me laugh. “I’m heading to Simone’s to get some homework done before we get ready for tonight. Is that okay with you?”
He nods, his eyes softer now. “See you tonight, baby.”
* * *
I tried to stay in the happy bubble I just got back, but that’s not always easy for someone like me. The thoughts take hold in my brain and never let me have peace when they want to be heard. I don’t know why, but when I have bad panic attacks, sometimes it triggers me back into this spiral for days or even weeks where my brain doesn’t shut off, and my nervous system feels fried. It feels like I’m being chased by a lion all day, and I’m scared for my life, but there’s no real danger around. My brain just thinks there is.
Imagine you were in a car and you were about to wreck really badly—that feeling of pure fear and panic that would wash over you; that’s what I feel all day.
Simone can always tell when I’m retreating into these moods. It’s like she has spidey senses when it comes to my brain freaking out.
“What’s going on? You’re really quiet today.”
