The anxiety rises quickly. I wasn’t prepared to see him right now, to talk to him, to face all of this yet. When I look out my bedroom window, I see him with the phone to his ear, pacing near his car.
He came all this way to see me. That has to mean something, right? I know he still cares and wants to work this out. I just don’t know how to trust him yet.
“Lydia?”he asks when I’m silent.
“Um, yeah, sure. I’ll come out. Give me a minute.”
I throw a hoodie on over my tank top and slowly make my way downstairs, fingers trembling as I open the front door. My heart is racing, unsure whether to run toward him right now or run away.
Eli’s standing there, still pacing, looking up at the porch as I walk out. His eyes soften the moment they land on mine.
“Hi,” he says quietly.
“Hi,” I reply, just as softly.
For a moment, we just stand there, and I fold my arms over my chest, not because I’m cold, but because it feels like I need to protect something inside myself, like I need to keep a barrier between us right now so I don’t reach for him.
“I didn’t know if you’d actually come out,” he admits.
I keep my eyes down on the ground, afraid to look him in the eyes. “I thought about saying no.”
He lets out a resigned sigh and nods. “I deserve that.”
I finally look up at him. “What did you wanna talk about?”
He takes a careful step toward me, and I take one step back. He stops, taking the hint.
“I just…wanted to see you face to face. I know I’ve said I’m sorry a million times over the phone, but I just…need you to see that I mean it.”
I keep my arms folded, more to hold myself together now than to keep him away. I’m just quietly trying to process my thoughts with all of this.
“Why did you do it?” I ask, barely getting the question out.
“I don’t know, Lyd. It was stupid. I was feeling insecure about you and about us…and I just thought…if I did what I thought you were doing, in a way…we would be even. I wouldn’t look as stupid.”
I glare at him in complete shock. “Are you serious? Youstillthink that I’ve talked to other guys behind your back? How many times are we going to have that argument?”
He reaches for me, and I move back again.
“No, I don’t think that…not anymore. I know it was just my insecurities now.”
I scoff. “Yeah, a little late to realize that, don’t you think?”
He steps closer, searching my eyes for any way in. “I know I broke your trust. But I want to earnit back. Whatever I have to do. I’ll start over.Wecan start over. You can go through my phone anytime you want. My texts, my social media, my location. I’ll give you access to everything if it helps you feel like you can trust me again.”
I’m staring at him, trying desperately to hold onto my anger while drowning in the toxic familiarity and comfort he brings me.
“That isn’t how trust is supposed to work.”
“I know,” he says, sounding so defeated yet desperate. “But maybe it’s what we need for now. Until you can trust me again.”
I bite down on the inside of my mouth and feel my eyes sting with emotion. I’ve been missing him so much, and now he’s here, saying all the things I want to hear. He’s offering some accountability. He’s offering me the power, giving me control.
“And what happens when you get angry again?” I ask, voice still a bit unsteady. “When you think I’m pulling away, or you think someone else is interested in me?”
“Then I’ll handle it better,” he pleads. “I swear.”
I just watch him, trying to find the lies in his words, but all I can see is a broken boy I want to help, a broken boy I love.
