“Please,” he whispers. “We’re not done yet, Lydia. Don’t let us be done.”
My heart tips toward him again. Not because everything is okay. But because part of me still wants to believe itcanbe.
He reaches out slowly, waiting for my permission, and I don’t move from his touch when he starts to wipe my tears away.
“I’m still mad at you,” I whisper.
“I know.”
“And I still don’t trust you.”
He nods. “Then let me earn that back.”
He takes a step forward and wraps his arms around me. I don’t hug him back right away, but I lean into him slightly. I close my eyes, and for a moment, I justpretend like what he’s trying to give me is enough, that the love we have can be louder than everything that’s broken between us.
Somehow, we end up in the backseat of his car, having sex, like it would be the thing that helped coax my heart back to him.
I feel stupid for doing it, but also like I have the power between us for the first time in our relationship.
18
Lydia
I’m officially back at school and back with Eli…both of which terrify me.
Being ‘back together’ feels like this fragile thing, full of constant apologies and the fear of letting each other go. It used to feel good to know Eli was mine, but now something about it feels wrong, like I’m forcing the wrong key in a lock, desperately trying to make the door open.
I know I love him. I’ve never felt this way about anyone else before. I just wish this love didn’t come with so much pain. I wish I could erase all the mistakes and go back to loving him in that pure, untainted way like I did in the beginning. I still hold on to those feelings, to the boy who was so intoxicating to be around, who I craved the presence of, like I craved to breathe. He’s still in there. He still shows up…like today, when I opened up my locker and a folded-up piece of paper fell out. It was a handwritten letter from him.
Lydia,
When it comes to you, nothing feels big enough. Not the words. Not the feelings. Not the way my chest gets tight just thinking about you, even when you’re not around.
You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Hands down. Nothing else even comes close. I know I haven’t always been the perfect boyfriend, but not once, not for a single second, have I ever stopped loving you. I love you in ways I didn’t know were possible. In ways that scare me. In ways that feel like fire and oxygen at the same time.
You’re it for me, Lydia. You’ve always been it.
You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever known. Not just on the outside, but on the inside too, in the way you care so deeply, in the way you love people even when they don’t always deserve it, the way you fight for the people you care about. All of those things make you perfect in my eyes.
I look at you and see my whole future.
You make me feel like I can become someone worth loving back. I swear, no matter what it takes, I’m going to spend the rest of my life making sure you know just how lucky I am that you chose me. That you still choose me.
I can’t help the wave of happiness that takes over while reading his words, wanting them all to be true. I know his love for me is genuine; he’s just still learning how to show it in the right ways. He’s the one I’ve given everything to, givenmyselfto. He’s still my best friend, and I don’t want to start over with anyone else. It feels like the only way to move forward and get back to where we should be is to try to let go of the past. But how am I supposed to do that when the past is still haunting me everywhere I go?
When I walk into the bathroom at school, I run straight into just that—into a group of girls standing at the sinks, all staring at me. I quickly go into one of the stalls, wanting to avoid any interactions with them, but I don’t even get the door fully closed and locked before I hear someone else walk in and the girls telling whoever it is to come over to them.
“Hey, Harper?” I hear one of them start to say, and my heart sinks, wondering if Katie is with her too.
The girl purposely speaks a little louder when she asks her, “Didn’t you say that Katie isn’t friends with Lydia anymore because she was sleeping with Eli?”
I listen as Harper chokes out a ‘what?’
“No!” she sputters. “I never said that. Where did you hear that? He never cheated on her.”
I feel momentarily relieved to know she still wants to push back against the rumors, but it’s short-lived when I hear another girl chime in.
“I heardshewas the one cheating on him. That she had sex with John.”
