My phone buzzes again.
“Who’s blowing you up?” Eli asks, slightly annoyed.
I flip my phone over to look at the screen. “It’s just Simone. I—I’ve kinda been a little distant with her lately.”
“Why? What’d she do?”
“Nothing. I just don’t always like to feel judged about my problems. I know she’s coming from a caring place, but—”
“What all do you tell her…about us?”
I look up at him, a little confused. “I mean, she’s my best friend. I basically tell her everything.”
“Yeah, well, I’m your boyfriend. We’re in a relationship. Those things should stay between us. You’re just going to make me look like a bad guy if you run and tell people about every little fight or problem we’re having.”
“I’m not trying to make you look like anything.”
“But that’s what happens. They don’t understand our relationship, so we don’t need their judgment about it either, and you don’t need her getting in your head.”
“Okay,” I tell him quietly.
“I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
It’s quiet for a moment before Eli speaks again. “So…my mom is forcing me to go on this beach trip over the long weekend that’s coming up with her and her new boyfriend. To spend time together or whatever before graduation.”
“Really? That sounds…awkward.”
“Yeah…“ he says. “But I was thinking…I want you to come with me. I mean, it could be good for us, and I really don’t wanna be alone with them all weekend. I also hate the thought of being away from you.”
“You want me to come on an overnight trip with you?”
He nods. “Yeah, we could even have our own room. It would be perfect.”
A trip sounds so nice. Getting away from everything here for a couple of days sounds nice. Maybe it’s exactly what we need.
“I think that would be fun,” I tell him, starting to smile.
19
Lydia
When I realized that this trip would fall on the anniversary of Camilla’s death, I tried really hard to push away the panicked feeling that I wouldn’t be able to get through it, that I would slip into that dark space again and ruin the trip for everyone. I’mreallytrying to stay above water this year. I’m trying to make sure no one sees the cracks, even though it feels like they’re already forcing themselves to be seen since we got to Wilmington yesterday. I keep trying to paint on a fake smile and pray that this trip is maybe what I need right now to get out of my head.
I didn’t tell Eli what today was. I didn’t want him to worry or be annoyed with me. I just wanted to enjoy our time together, even if I have to fight the demons off silently and push through on my own.
Eli and his mom have barely even spoken on the trip so far. She’s always been pretty nice to me, so I can’t speak ill of her. I know her and Eli aren’t getting along that well right now because of their circumstances, but at least he still has parents who care about him.
Every time something happens, and I want to talk to Camilla about how I’m feeling, I stop myself. I feel like if I give in to the crutch she’s become in my mind, I’ll slip back into that hole.
The anger that’s replacing the sadness is starting to make me worry that that might have been the wrong way to handle this, though. Everything is making me feel agitated. I feel like I’m crawling in my skin. Like I want to make this overwhelming feeling I can’t pinpoint or explain stop. I have no idea how to make it go away.
“Do you want to head into the water?” Eli asks, lying on the beach towel next to me.
“Maybe later,” I murmur, flipping over so he can’t see my face.
“Well, it’s hot. I wanted to get in.”
