I stayed turned away from him. “Then go.”
“What’s your problem?”
“I don’t have one,” I tell him, feeling myself getting more annoyed. I know it’s not his fault, not really, but I can’t stop it from being thrown in his direction.
“Okay, Lyd.”
We sit in silence until he finally gets up and heads to the water alone.
Everything feels heightened. The sun on my skin, the sweat starting to cover my body, the way the blanket feels under me, my hair sticking to my face, the ache I can’t stop feeling inside, the guilt that makes me replay every thought in my head over and over and over until I wish I could physically turn them completely off, just for asecondof peace.
Some days I’m so anxious about constantly wanting to do the right thing, say the right thing, play the right part…and it’s so exhausting. When I’m consumed by days like these, I tend to just want it all to stop. I flip the caring switch off and let the built-up pain take over, consequences be damned. My brain doesn’t let me care about the repercussions in the moment. Especially when I have so much resentment built up too, and still feel like nothing is actually better. I keep tellingEli everything is okay with us…because I want it to be, but it doesn’t actually feel okay.
* * *
Back in the hotel, my sensory overload has turned into the retreating phase. I want to be alone, and I regret coming on this trip. I knew how I would get around today, but I was stupid enough to think it could be different this year. That being away from home and with Eli could distract me enough. But I think it’s just causing me to spiral in my thoughts abouthim, too, on top of everything else. Thinking about how our relationship has flipped so much recently, about how I’m scared it’ll never go back to the way it was, how I’m desperately holding on to the memories of the happy days and telling my brain to erase the bad ones. Those won’t define us. They can’t.
I feel trapped and suffocated in this room with him. Not because I don’t want him around, but because I want to self-destruct alone. I don’t want him to see this. It’s exhausting trying to keep up the front.
“What do you want to eat for dinner?”
I look up at Eli, still lying in his lap, wanting to spill my thoughts to him, just get them out so they stop hurting so much.
“I’m not sure…”
I glance back at the TV, hoping it can be a distraction, but I can’t focus on what’s on enough for it to help.
“Well, help me decide. I don’t know what you’re in the mood for.”
“I don’t have an appetite,” I tell him.
“Lyd…what’s going on?”
I shrug. “Nothing.”
“You’ve been in a badmood this entire trip. What the hell is wrong with you?”
I feel myself getting aggravated, not wanting to talk about it now with his attitude, but not being able to pretend either. “I said nothing, damn. Drop it.”
Eli lifts me up and turns me to face him. “Who are you talking to, Lydia?”
My heart rate picks up, seeing this go downhill quickly, but not able to stop it.
“I just want to be left alone, Eli. Eat whatever you want. I’m not hungry.”
He looks confused and a little irritated. “Did I do something?”
I force myself to take a deep breath. “No. Fuck. Just leave me alone. Please.”
Eli pushes off the bed and goes to pick up his keys, turning back to me. “I don’t know what the fuck your problem is, but I’m not dealing with it. I’m going down to the beach and getting dinner by myself so I can get the fuck away from you. I hope you’ve fixed your fucking mood by the time I get back.”
He quickly slips his shoes on and walks out, slamming the door.
I instantly curl up into the cover on the bed, taking in a deep breath.
Fuck.
I wanted to be alone. That’s what my brain was telling me I needed…but this doesn’t feel any better. Now I just feel like shit,andhe’s mad. Why do I keep screwing this all up?
