When we make it back to the car, he gets in without opening my door like he normally does. I get in, and he instantly turns the music up as he drives off, obviously not wanting to talk. I wouldn’t be able to talk through the tears anyway, so I turn, facing the window, and let them fall. I feel like I can’t breathe, like his hand is still around my throat. The tears turn into sobs, and it hurts so much. I try not to be too loud, not wanting him to hear me, but I can’t help it. We just continue to sit in this painful silence until we pull into his driveway.
He turns the car off and then reaches over, cupping my face in his hand and turning me towards him. “Why do you make me so crazy, Lydia? Why do you make me get so angry like that?”
“I—I didn’t.” I try to breathe and stop crying enough so I can speak. “I didn’t—do anything wrong.”
“You can’t keep making me jealous like that. I see red every time I think about or see you with another guy. I can’t handle it.”
“I didn’t do anything to make you jealous. I don’t want any other guy. Why don’t you get that?”
He rubs a hand down his face and exhales. “How would you have felt if you saw me in that same situation?”
“I would have trusted you, Eli,” I say quietly, too tired to fight.
“Bullshit.”
“I trusted you when yousaid nothing else happened with Katie, didn’t I?”
I see the switch flip in his expression. His eyes get darker. “I thought we moved past that? Why are you bringing it back up?”
“Wearepast it. I’m just saying…I trusted you then, and I would trust you now. That’s how it’s supposed to be. You’re supposed to trust me.”
“I don’t know how to. Something inside of me always tells me you’re going to be just like other girls…just like my mother.”
“That’s what this is about? Something I didn’t even do?”
He shakes his head. “No…I mean, it’s part of it, but…I just get so scared of anyone else having you. I love you too much.”
“This doesn’t feel healthy, Eli.”
“Then help me, Lyd. I need you to help me be better.”
I grab his face, making him look at me. “I’m always here for you, but you have to work on your own insecurities, Eli. I can’t fix something I didn’t break.”
He kisses me, and I can’t find the strength to pull away. My heart hurts, but it hurts for him too. I feel torn.
“Come inside with me.”
“I don’t know if that’s a good idea, Eli. Maybe we just need some space—”
“No,” he grits out, and then instantly shifts back to a soft plea. “Please. Just stay with me. I just need to know that you’ll stay.”
I wrestle with my emotions, with wanting to comfort the boy I love, while also needing to protect myself. But I’m more afraid to tell him no right now, so I just nod.
He presses his forehead against mine and lets out a relieved breath. “Thank you for never giving up on me. I don’t know how I got so lucky with someone like you. You’re too good for me.”
I don’t respond. I just let him hold me there.
Once we’re inside the house, I notice how quiet it is. His dad must still be at work.
We head up to his room, and when we get inside, he closes the door behind us. He takes his shirt off, and the beautiful body that once called me to it like a moth to a flame no longer has the same appeal. It feels too tainted by the pain it’s caused.
Just because the outside of the house still looks perfect doesn’t mean that when you walk in, you won’t see the ruins from the fire that happened there, the ashes from the flames…my charred heart from all this pain.
He slowly gets into his bed and turns the TV on. I’m just standing there still, not wanting to move. Not even sure why I’m here at this point. My head feels groggy, my heart physically hurts, I can still feel stinging from the scrapes on my back, and I can still feel the squeeze of his hand on my neck.
He lifts the cover and motions for me to come over to him. “Just lie with me…please. I just wanna be able to hold you, Lydia.”
My feet move automatically, running to him anytime he calls. It’s stupid. I’m stupid.
