Once I’m pressed against him with his arms around me, we just lie there for a while. I stare out the window, at the clouds passing by, wondering if it will always be like this between us. He kisses my shoulder and whispers that he loves me, and I let him. I just store away the empty words he feeds me, hoping they’ll mean something to my heart again one day. Eventually, he starts kissing my neck, then turns me over to face him, taking my face in his hands and kissing me softly. It quickly turns heated, and I want to pull away, but it feels like I’m the only thing keeping him from drowning right now. So I let myself be his anchor, even if it meansI’mthe one who will drown while savinghim.
When his hands find their way onto my body, my brain tells me we shouldn’t go any furtherthan this. That it doesn’t feel right after everything that’s happened.
His hands slowly lift the bottom of my dress up, and his fingers brush against the seam of my underwear.
“Eli…I don’t think we should—”
“Please, Lydia. I need you.”
I stop his hand from going any further. “I don’t think I want to, Eli. I’m still hurt by the things you did. Youkeephurting me, and I don’t deserve to feel like this.”
“I know, Lydia. I’m sorry. All I want to do is love you.” He kisses me again. Then he kisses my shoulder and my neck, trailing down to my stomach. “Just let me show you.”
“Eli, please. I don’t want to right now. It feels wrong.”
“But, Lydia…I need this. I need to know you still love me. That you still want me.”
“I do, Eli. But we don’t need to have sex for me to prove that to you.”
He stops kissing me and looks me in the eyes. “I need it…please.”
I don’t know how to keep telling him no, and I’m scared to, honestly. I don’t want to see him hurting, but I don’t want to do this either. Nothing in my body is telling me it’s right, nothing is telling me it’s what I want. I know it’s not going to fix anything.
He moves down under the covers and starts to kiss the inside of my thighs. My body wants to recoil, wants to get out of this bed, wants it all to stop. But I don’t know how to make it stop. I don’t have the courage to keep saying no. I’m too scared of what his pleas will turn into, if he’ll become angry with me or get upset again.
I just lie there and let it happen. I don’t really feel present, though. My brain is trying to go somewhere else, trying to distract me, trying to convince me this is okay, this is normal, but nothing about this feels normal, nothing about it feels like love anymore. It feels like desperation, like a fightfor control…and I’m the one losing.
21
Lydia
The doorbell rings, and I know it’s Simone by how many times she hits it. It makes me smile as I walk down the stairs, swinging off the last step and rushing to the front door.
I swing it open, and she’s standing there in denim cut-offs and a huge Texas A&M sweatshirt, curls pulled into a bun on top of her head. She holds up an iced coffee in each hand like victory flags.
“Emergency caffeine delivery,” she announces.
I hug her, and she holds both coffees in the air so I don’t knock them over in my embrace. “You’re the best,” I say, pulling back.
“Ugh, I’ve missed your face!” she squeals loudly.
I manage a small smile. “My face has missed you, too. Get inside before the neighbors start judging us.”
“Is it because I’m black?” she asks flatly.
I let out a horrified laugh. “What? No! Hush!” I whisper-yell, grabbing her arm and pulling her inside. “Because we’re being loud!”
“Kiddddding,” she says, kicking off her shoes and heading straight into the kitchen with me, talking my ear off the whole way.
“School was a snooze today. Tyler’s still on crutches, his ego is shattered, knee shredded, and now I feel like his personal therapist as he mopes around sad all day, talking about his crushed dreams…even though he never dreamed about going pro.”
We both laugh, and Simone hops up on the kitchen counter, handing me a coffee.
Sarah walks in and heads towards the pantry. “Hey, Simone,” she calls over her shoulder.
“Hey Sarah!”
“Don’t mind me,” she says, pulling out some bread. “I’m just grabbing Huxley some lunch. Do y’all need anything while I’m down here?”
