A lump forms in my throat as I scroll through the messages again. I feel guilty for making her worry, for always being the friend who has to be worried about.
I type out a quick reply.
Lydia: I’m sorry, I fell asleep after I got home yesterday. I didn’t mean to not reply. I’m okay…I promise. I love you too
She replies almost instantly, like she’s been by her phone waiting for my reply.
Simone: I’m still coming over today after school. You shouldn’t be alone. I’m sorry this is happening to you. You literally don’t deserve any of it
Don’t I, though? Everyone thinks I do.
Lydia: Okay…I’ll see you then
I stare at the screen for another second before tapping over to my contacts and scrolling until I see John’s name. My finger hovers over the screen hesitantly. I’m tired of feeling like everyone looks at me like I’m weak and fragile. Simone is everything to me, but sometimes her worry suffocates me. I just want to have a conversation that isn’t full of sorrow.
Taking a deep breath, I type quickly before I can change my mind.
Lydia: Hey…um, how are you? How’s school? Is everyone still talking about yesterday?
He answers almost instantly.
John: Hey Lydia. It’s funny, I was actually having a pretty crappy morning until I saw your name pop up on my phone…I mean, yeah, people are always gonna talk, but they’re pathetic and don’t matter. How are you doing? How are you feeling?
Lydia: I’m sorry you were having a bad day. I’m doing okay…I don’t think I can go back, though. It’s apparent no one wants me there
John: I want you here…but I understand not wanting to come back. These people really do suck. So what are you going to do? Transfer somewhere?
For a second, I forgot how nice John was. I think that, always associating him with Eli, I started to resent him, too. But I can’t do that now. It’s not fair to him. He’s not his friend. He’s not that kind of guy.
Lydia: No, I think I’m gonna try to get them to let me finish online. I don’t want to go anywhere else, just to risk the same problems. Everyone around here knows about what happened…about what he said…so what’s the point?We’re so close to graduation, it’s pointless to start over
John: Dang, yeah. I understand. I’ll miss seeing you around here. You’ve always been one of the only genuine and decent people at this school
My chest tightens slightly, my fingers pausing before typing back. He texts again before I can answer.
John: Mind if I come by later to check on you? Do you need anything from school?
Lydia: Actually, when I went back yesterday, my locker was empty. I never got to the office to check on it. I assumed they might have emptied it out, thinking I wasn’t coming back or something, but I needed the textbook for my classes
John: I can take care of that. I’ll check and let you know later. You want me to come by today after school?
Lydia: Yeah, Simone is supposed to come too. You can drop by. I’ll be here. No plans lol
John: Okay, perfect. I’ll see you later
I lay my phone down and close my eyes, trying to go back to sleep until the restlessness forces me to get up. I find myself in the kitchen, rummaging quietly through the liquor cabinet until I find something strong enough. Without much thought, I fill an empty water bottle and carefully replace the missing liquor with water, then head back upstairs. I drink until the burn in my throat numbs the buzzing anxiety in my head. The alcohol settles inside me like a friend, one who always knows how to quiet the thoughts, even if just for a little while.
As I lie there, trying to numb myself, thoughts of Eli start to creep in again. Just like they always love to do. His face, his voice, the memories I try desperately to shut out. A sick twisting feeling in my stomach—guilt mixed with anger. I try to push away the thought of him in that car, his last moments, the images my brain creates.
I can’t help but wrestle with the thoughts of every possible scenario. Could I have saved him? Would I have wanted to save him? What would life look like if he didn’t do it? Could he have finally gotten the help he needed? Or would I still be in the midst of the pain he causes?
My breath grows quick and shallow, panic creeping in and tightening around my chest. Closing my eyes tightly, I fight the tears until the exhaustion and alcohol finally pull me under into a dreamless, dark sleep.
* * *
I’m jolted awake by a knock at my bedroom door, eyes still blurry as Simone pushes inside. Behind her, John stands towering over her. He’s quiet, almost shy, and a little hesitant. I sit up, groggy, and I’m acutely aware of how awful I must look. I never care when it’s just Simone, but having John here makes me conscious of it for some reason. I don’t want him to see me like this. Yet I don’t have the energy to get up and put myself together. Fuck it…he’s already here, looking at the mess that I am.
“John was waiting on your steps,” Simone says softly, eyeing me. “He didn’t wanna intrude, but I made him come inside.”
