John pulls back. “I…ugh, I don’t have anything.”
“I have condoms,” I mumble, leaning over to the nightstand.
He takes one quietly, not asking any questions. Everything else fades to pure bliss. There’s no Eli, no pain, no sadness…just John’s gentle hands, careful words whispered against my skin, and kisses that chase away my fears. He makes it about me, about my comfort, about my happiness. For once, intimacy doesn’t feel dangerous or forced. It feels safe. He makesmefeel safe. This is what I was chasing. This is what I needed to take back control.
When John pulls me in closer, I feel a rush unlike anything else. I feel my heartbeat speed up as my body ignites under his touch. It’s intoxicating. Sex is like a powerful drug in its purest form. It washes over all my pain and the scars left behind by another pair of hands. I feel wanted in this moment, something I lost sight of and hadn’t felt in so long.
Every memory I hate is pushed away in this bed, drowned out by the sounds of our heavy breathing and the warmth radiating from our bodies. The pain that always sits with me feels like it finally releases its hold on me, replaced by something more powerful, this fierce, overwhelming relief that makes me cling tighter to him, desperate to prolong this fleeting sanctuary he provides.
For these moments, I am weightless, untethered from the past. I don’t need to feel love to feel this high. I just need someone who can provide the drug.
* * *
Lying beside himnow, my head on his chest, his arm around my body, reality slowly starts to creep back in. My heart sinks with the weight of realization, of confusion. Was this a mistake? Am I some slut now? Just sleeping with any boy who shows me an ounce of attention…just to fill a void or something? What is wrong with me?
I like John…as a friend…maybe more? I don’t know. I like being around him, but I don’t want a relationship. I would look so stupid if I did. I don’t want to be drowned by another boy.
Did I just fuck up?
We stay like that, talking, until it gets pretty late, and I know Sarah and Mark will be home with Huxley soon. John is hesitant when he goes to leave, wanting to make sure I’m okay. He’s sweet and way more caring than I remember. I start to wrestle with the guilt of knowing I can’t give him more than this.
Once he’s gone, I frantically search for my phone and pull up my texts.
Lydia: I think I really screwed up
30
Lydia
I collapse onto Simone’s bed, staring at the ceiling. The silence between us lingers until it nearly suffocates us both.
“What happened, Lyd?” Simone finally asks, sitting down beside me and tucking her knees to her chest.
I close my eyes and blow out a heavy breath. “I…uh, slept with John.”
Her eyes widen slightly. “John…like John John?”
I prop myself up on my elbows and deadpan at her. “Is there another John?”
“Oh…”
I look at her, slightly frustrated. “That’s all you’ve got for me? I’m spiraling over here, and all you can give me is Oh?”
“I’m sorry. I’m trying to find the right thing to say here,” she says, laughing lightly.
I laugh with her, because what else am I supposed to do? “Ugh, I’m so stupid.”
“No, you’re not,” she sighs. “I mean, do you think it was just a lapse in judgment?” She winces. “Or…do you think…that you might actually like him?”
I sit up, pulling my kneesto my chest, mirroring her position like it will offer some comfort. “I don’t know…I don’t think so. Honestly, I don’t even know why I did it. It’s just…he was there, and he’s been so sweet, and my mind was just so loud, you know? I couldn’t shut any of it off. But when he got close, it felt so electric, and then when we kissed, it started to get quiet in my head. After that, I just needed to know if more could quiet the thoughts completely. I felt this need, like this physicalneedfor more. Even if it was just for a temporary moment of relief.”
Simone gently takes my hand, squeezing it. “And how are you feeling about it all now?”
“Confused? Ashamed? Guilty?” My voice cracks. “It felt good in the moment…but now, I just feel terrible. It feels like I used him, even though I know he didn’t see it that way. I feel shitty because I know he actually likes me…and maybe I did take advantage of that.”
Simone hesitates. “Look, Lydia, you know I never judge you, but maybe meaningless sex isn’t the best way to cope? You deserve more than just a temporary distraction.”
I stiffen slightly, my defenses going up. “Easy to say from Ms. Perfect, with her perfect relationship and perfect, healthy, meaningful sex.”
