Her eyes flicker with hurt. “That’s not fair. Tyler and I aren’t perfect, far from it. I’m not trying to upset you, Lydia. I just…I just want you to remember you’re worth more. You deserve to give yourself to someone you actually care about, not just someone who helps you forget.”
Even with the clouding shame I feel, guilt creeps in again, for the way I’m talking to her, for the way I used John.
“John’s not bad, though,” I say softly. “He was sweet. It’s not like I was with someone who treated me badly.”
“I know, I believe you,” Simone says gently, regretful of her earlier tone. “I’m sorry,Lydia. I didn’t mean to make you feel worse. I just don’t wanna see you hurt anymore. You’ve been through so much, and I always feel this urge to protect you.”
“It’s okay,” I murmur. “I know you’re probably right. I just…” I trail off, shaking my head. “I fucked up and made everythingmorecomplicated now.”
“Well, what do you want to do?” Simone asks, brushing a strand of hair out of my face. “With John?”
“I don’t know,” I say, pressing my palms into my eyes, fighting off frustrated tears. “He’s sweet, he really is, Simone. He doesn’t deserve me being so messed up, and him being used like that. I mean, I like being with him, but every time I look at him, I think about Eli. It all feels so twisted, like I’m betraying…him, even though Eli doesn’t deserve any loyalty from me. But still, like damn, it’s barely been a couple of months since he died. If people found out, if they knew I slept with his best friend…then they’llreallythink everything Eli said was true. They’ll think that everything they’ve been saying about me is valid.”
Simone’s voice hardens. “It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, Lyd. You know the truth.”
“I know,” I whisper. “But the insecurities creep in still, trying to convince me those things might be true.”
Simone sighs softly, leaning her head against my shoulder. “You’re none of what they say…plus, we’re almost out of here. We’re so close to graduation and a fresh start, remember?”
“Yeah…I really can’t wait,” I say, squeezing her hand. “I’m ready to get out of Charlotte, out of this state. Hopefully far away enough where people don’t recognize and label me as the fucked up girl who pushed herpoorboyfriend to kill himself.”
Simone shifts slightly, her voice softening. “I’m ready too…but I’m also scared about leaving. With Tyler and me going to different colleges.I just don’t know how the distance is going to affect us. I’m really gonna miss him.”
Guilt knots in my chest. “Geez, Simone, I’m sorry. I’ve been so wrapped up in my own shit that I haven’t even asked how you’re feeling about all the changes coming…I’m so ready to leave this place, I forget how much you’ll be leaving behind.”
Simone shrugs, looking away. “I’m just scared. All I’ve ever known is this city, all I have is here—my family and Tyler. Leaving it behind…it just feels a little terrifying.”
“I’m sorry I’ve been so selfish lately,” I whisper again.
“No, it’s okay. I know you’re hurting,” Simone says firmly. “That’s not you being selfish, it’s a normal part of the healing process.”
“Maybe…but I want to be there for you the way you always are for me. I love you, and I’m glad we still get to go to college together,” I tell her. “It’s the one thing I have left to look forward to.”
“Yeah, you’re the only thing that’s going to make the transition easier, honestly. That reminds me, we have to get our dorm request sent in soon! I refuse to be there if I’m not roomed with you.”
Talking about the future, about leaving this place, about starting over…it brings me both comfort and anxiety. Wanting a fresh start but also scared that the cycle will continue even in a new place.
“I wish we could go out,” I say, trying to distract myself from the building anxiety. “I couldn’t tell you the last time I did anything fun.”
I need a distraction.
Simone lifts a mischievous brow at me. “There’s a party this weekend at—”
“No,” I cut her off. “I can’t go out anywhere around here. Everyone very much still hates my guts, and I’m not looking formoretrouble.”
Simone thinks for a moment, then her face lights up like she has an idea. “We could…maybe drive down to the beach for the weekend. A little last hurrah before we finish school.”
The thought of getting away makes me pause. “Hmm…that’s actually not a bad idea.”
“I’ve never had a bad idea in my life,” Simone says playfully.
I lie back on the bed. “Thank goodness you’re eighteen and can book a room now.”
Simone looks over at me shyly. “Would…you mind maybe if Tyler came too? I don’t want it to be weird or anything. It could still be a girls’ weekend. I would just feel safer having him there.”
“Of course. I love Tyler. He can be our personal bodyguard,” I giggle. “But you’re booking two separate rooms. I don’t think I could ever look at you the same if I heard y’all…” I look around and whisper as if anyone were listening to us alone in her room, “doing it.”
Simone scrunches her face up. “Ew, I would never do it in the same room as you. That’s gross.”
