Lydia: Actually, I don’t think that’s a good idea. I think sleeping together was a mistake and something I just wasn’t ready for. I didn’t mean to drag you into my mess. You’re a really sweet guy, and I really did enjoy being around you. I’m sorry for fucking everything up
He takes longer to reply, and with every minute that ticks by, the guilt and shame grow louder in my head. When his text finally comes through, I feel the knife I just pushed into his heart.
John: Oh
Then another text comes through.
John: For what it was worth, I really did like you, Lydia. Mess and all
Ugh, I wish he weren’t so nice. He didn’t deserve this. Why couldn’t I stop myself from using and hurting him? Why can’t I ever just stop hurting and craving a fix for my heart…even at the expense of others?
Lydia: I’m so sorry, John
John: I understand. It’s okay not to be ready. I’m sorry. I hate that you regret it
I toss my phone aside, letting the tears finally spill out freely. The relief and pain intertwine with each other, fighting for which one should hurt more.
32
Lydia
I would tell you all about how great graduation was…but it could easily be summed up into one word—anticlimactic.So we can skip the recapping of this boring morning. It was nothing like the one I experienced last week for Simone. There was no flair, no exciting build-up, no getting all dressed up, no big walking across the stage moment. Nope. Just me standing in one of the administrative offices of my high school, being handed a piece of paper, the only accomplishment I’ll probably ever have to my name.
At least I felt like Camilla was trying to tell me she was proud, though. When I walked out of the school doors, I got a whiff of the exact perfume she used to wear. It hit me out of nowhere, and when I looked around, there wasn’t a single person nearby. It felt so warm and familiar that I almost believed for a second she was actually there with me. It felt like it was nothing and everything all at the same time. It was exactly what I needed in that moment. The only comfort I held onto.
I drove back home, alone, with the windows cracked and the music low. The sky was that perfect, stupid shade of blue that made you believe in fresh starts. Like, because of how endless it is, it could take you anywhere…it could take you exactly where you’re supposed to go.
Walking back into the house, I’m still lost in the cycle of thoughts that are always running wild in my mind—how I’ve been feeling, wondering if things will get easier soon, if stepping away from this place will allow my brain to box away all the memories and pain for a while, let me finally breathe, finally live, finally be happy. Maybe—
“SURPRISE!”
I catch myself on the wall in the hallway, throwing my hand over my chest.
I hear Simone and Huxley laughing, and when I look up—trying to compose myself from the jump scare—I see everyone standing in the kitchen. I see Mark holding onto Sarah, Simone picking up Huxley so he can see over everyone, and Simone’s parents next to them. There’s a ‘Happy Graduation’ banner behind them, balloons everywhere on the ground, and a cake on the kitchen island with both mine and Simone’s names on it.
“Happy graduation, girls,” Sarah says, walking over to me and wrapping me in a hug.
I freeze up a little at the contact until I look over her shoulder at Simone, who is giving me a look like ‘hug her back’. I try to put my arms around her, make it feel genuine, like I’m not so awkward, like I know how to receive love—spoiler, I don’t.
I’m still getting used to their affection. I’ve lived with them for three years now, and I’m still warming up to the idea of them being a real family for me. I mean, we haven’t always had the best chances to bond since I’ve been here, if I’m honest, mostly due to me, and not their lack of trying. I wish we were closer. They’re a nice family, and no matter how much I’ve pushed them away, they still keep showing up for me.
Mark places a hand on my shoulder, telling me congratulations and that he’s proud of me, before both Simone and her parents all come over and wrap me in a group hug.
“My girls are all grown up,” Simone’s mom says through choked-back tears.
Once Huxley gives me a hug too and begs for a slice of cake for the tenth time, we all head into the living room.
“Thank you,” I say genuinely to Sarah and Mark. “You didn’t have to do this.”
“You girls graduated high school,” Mark starts. “You should be proud. I know it hasn’t been an easy experience, especially for you, Lydia…” We all just let that hang in the air for a moment before he continues. “You deserve to celebrate more than anyone else.”
Sarah places a hand on Mark’s back as they sit on the couch across from us. “We know you don’t like it when we do too much or when you have a lot of attention on yourself, so we just went with something simple to try and still celebrate you, girls. We’re also taking everyone out to lunch. So go get dressed once you finish that cake, and we’ll leave whenever you’re ready.”
This all feels…nice? Nice to have people going out of their way for me; it’s strange. I feel like I’ve pushed Sarah and Mark away so much as my own self-protecting mechanism that I’ve probably blocked a lot of moments like this in the past with them. Now we’re about to leave for college, and I wonder if I’ll still get the chance to fully connect with them now that nothing and nooneis standing in the way of the relationship I could have with them. A small part of me still doesn’t want to feel like I’m replacing what Camilla was to me—the mother figure she became—while another part of me desperately wishes I could experience what a normal family would feel like, no barriers, no pushing, no fights, and no trauma standing in the way.
“Come on! We’re dolling you up to go out!” Simone shouts while taking my hand and lifting mefrom the couch.
* * *
