The fire in Asta’s belly raged. ‘You’ve completely screwed me! Now everyone knows that I’m nothing more than a favor to you. What is going to happen to me after this? I can’t very well race for your family, can I? I’m not a Seraphin. But anyone who takes me on would have your family looking over their shoulder. Yeah, it’s all political, and I’m fucked! This was my future, and youcompletelyfucked it up.’
‘I was just trying to help.’ His voice was even, controlled. ‘You said you wanted to race. You might not like it, but this was the only way you had a shot. This sport is competitive. Most Pillar grads don’t even make it to the big leagues.’ He laughed once, a dry and scoffing sound. ‘No one becomes a racer by working their way up from the stables, Asta. Not even you could pull that off. It doesn’t matter how you got here. You’re here. I get that you’re disappointed. But that’s life.’
He had never believed she was good enough. He just wanted to control her. He didn’t want her doing anything without him to monitor it, manipulate it.
‘You arrogant prick. “That’s life”?’ She felt like the room was collapsing on her. ‘It’smylife. You do know that, right? I’m not your plaything.’
Felix’s anger rose to meet hers. ‘What are you talking about? For the past year, I have been playing byyourrules, Asta.’ He bent to pick up his own shirt, putting it on with short, brusque movements. ‘We had to pretend like we didn’t even know each other. All so I wouldn’t spoil your game as the poor little outsider, doing it all alone. You’re so judgmental of me, of my family. I don’t know why I put up with it. You’re just as prejudiced as anyone here, you know that? You hate that I have connections, that I have money, that my name matters to people. You were terrified people would think you were getting help from me. But guess what? You are. You always have been. Think about it! You never would have gotten in the saddle if it wasn’t for me.’ Asta’s skin crawled; she wanted to scream. ‘You’re so freaking proud!’
‘What else do I have?’ Asta raised her arms, gesturing vaguely at the attic room, crowded with the disused furniture of Pillar’s former students, some who had gone on to illustrious careers that she could never have. She swept a hand toward the window, toward the school full of her peers who were probably at this moment repeating Pikki’s horrible accusations to one another, reveling in the gossip, not yet realizing that every word of it was true. ‘I had my pride, and I had my future. And you just took both of those from me.’
Felix’s face twisted in misery. He took a few steps forward– tentative and slow, like he was afraid she would run. ‘Why won’t you letmebe your future? Why can’t you be proud ofme?’
‘This isn’taboutyou!’ It was everything Asta had feared, coming true. He wanted her hidden away in his shadow for the rest of her life. She felt like she was coming apart, dissipating into tiny specks of light like one of Felix’s illusions. ‘I just wanted something that wasmine.’
‘I thought we were making something together.’ He looked pleadingly at her.
Asta hesitated before answering. What did he think being together meant? Fencing her in? She couldn’t live like that. ‘This whole time, you knew it was a lie. You knew you could take it all away if you wanted to.’
‘I don’t know what you’re so mad about,’ Felix muttered. ‘You wanted to race, and I gave you want you wanted.’
Asta put her shoulders back. ‘You aren’t the king of racing, Felix.’
Felix’s face went dull and hard. ‘No, I’m a Seraphin. Iamracing.’
‘Fuck you!’ She backed away from him. Tears were falling now, hot and fast. She turned for the door.
‘Don’t leave,’ he said, and recharged the illusion of the magic cord. It was still bound to her wrist, but it had no substance to it anymore. He pulled at it, but the line just stretched out, powerless. Asta met his eyes. She shook her arm, and the cord dropped to the floor. Felix watched her do it. By the look on his face, she might as well have cut his heart out.
Asta was stopped in the doorway by a large man in a greenish uniform. It was one of the Pillar janitors– a middle-aged man with a bad hip that made him limp.
‘What are you kids doing up here?’ he snapped. ‘How did you get in here?’
‘I’m so sorry,’ Felix said, putting on a voice that Asta recognized as one he used with his parents. ‘We were just. . .’ But his excuse died on his lips.
‘We’ll leave,’ Asta said. ‘We didn’t do any harm, I swear. Please, just let us leave.’ Her voice trembled, and she was afraid that she would burst out crying again at any moment.
The janitor frowned, clearly uncomfortable with the threat of Asta’s tears. ‘Well, get out of here, then! Before I tell someone you were up here.’
‘Thank you, sir,’ Asta said. She moved to the door, and the janitor stepped aside to let her pass.
‘You, too,’ the man said.
Asta looked back. Felix was frozen in the middle of the room. He looked terrified, as if he was afraid that the whole room full of desks and cabinets would collapse on him if he moved.
Asta hurried down the hallway to the stairwell, pausing only long enough to shove her feet into her sneakers but not to tie them. She clumped down into the darkness, feeling her way.
‘Asta,’ Felix called behind her. But she ignored him.
He caught up with her as she was cutting through a stand of trees between the admin building and the dorms. The sun had sunk to the horizon now, and the sky was blazing with sunset colors– fuchsia and marigold and indigo. He carried his boots and the sharp twigs under the trees slowed him.
‘Asta, please! Stop!’
She finally took pity on him and stopped. ‘What? I don’t have any more dreams for you to ruin, Felix. That was it. So what do you want?’
‘I’m sorry, okay?’
He really did look sorry, and Asta thought about what it would be like to forgive him, to hug him, to figure out how to get back up from this fall together. But he wasn’t done.
