‘Whatwas my way of telling you?’
Instead of answering, Felix conjured a glittering illusion in the middle of the room. Asta turned to look at it. It was the race.
She was there on Carmine, flying underneath Felix and Essie. Pikki was following behind. They were nearing the buoy. Carmine let loose a burst of flame, but when he came out of the cloud, Essie was riding on his haunches. They were doing the Double Decker. They rose together over the final obstacle like a winged hydra, holding the formation all the way to the finish line. They were magnificent.
‘But that’s not what happened,’ Asta said quietly.
‘I wanted to believe that you had forgiven me. That you were sorry. Because I didn’t think you had a right to be mad. When I saw you down there, I told Essie to drop . . .’
The illusion restarted. They approached the buoy. There was a burst of flame. Carmine and Asta streaked up and over the false ladder on their way to the win. Essie and Felix toppled from the air.
‘. . . and you weren’t there.’
Asta groaned and leaned forward, putting her head between her knees. Her whole narrative of the past three years– everything she knew about that day and what it meant about the person she was– was shattering to pieces.
Suddenly, Asta lifted her head, her eyes sparking with anger. ‘If you knew I didn’t do it, then what the hell was that jackass move at the exercise grounds?’
Felix let go of the illusion, and it dissolved into light. He attempted a sheepish smile, but it faded quickly when he saw the look on Asta’s face. ‘It was all so confusing. Even when I got here, I didn’tknowwhat actually happened– I wasn’t sure, anyway. When I saw you, I just. . . reacted. I’d been mad at you for such a long time, Asta. Everyone had convinced me that you tried to kill me. The only thing I knew without a doubt was that I dropped, thinking you’d be there, and you weren’t. I felt betrayed.’
The words cut through Asta, flesh and bone. ‘Youfelt betrayed?’
Felix tugged at his undershirt. ‘Yeah, kinda. I didonething wrong, and you just gave up on me. The next thing I knew, you were training with the Bruces, which I figured more or less showed the kind of person you were. It’s not like I ever heard from you after that. You never apologized. Nothing.Onemistake– onefavorthat you took as some kind of insult– and you were gone.’
Asta had no words. The irony of it was too much. Assuming she had forgiven him, Felix had thrown himself from the sky. Assuming he could never forgive her, Asta had flown away.
The dragons had quieted in the stable, but there was a gentle, steady movement coming through the wall, as if Essie were on the other side twitching her tail against the wall in her sleep.
At last, Asta found her voice. ‘Felix, I don’t understand. You came here still hating me, not sure if I tried tomurderyou.’ She opened and closed her hands, as if grasping for something to hold on to, but they were empty. ‘And then all of a sudden, you want to be friends again. And then’ – she glanced at the bed – ‘that happened. What the fuck is going on?’
Felix got to his feet and paced to the bed. ‘No, Ineverhated you, Asta. I blamed you, but I never hated you. I can’t hate you.’ He looked down at the carpet. ‘It’s just– I didn’t know what to believe. But then you told me– do you remember you said this?– you said that you can see the real me. And it’s true. You’re the only one, literally the only person who doesn’t see an image of me, butme.’
Asta crossed her arms over her chest and hugged herself.
‘That’s when Iknewyou couldn’t have done it. You couldn’t have hated me enough to hurt me like that but then still cared enough to bother looking for me, to botherseeingme like you do, after all this time. They were wrong about you. I was wrong, and I knew it. I had to make it up to you because I love you, Asta. I always have. I was wrong, and I’m sorry.’
Asta’s mind was whirling. She hadn’t done it. She hadn’t cut him off. She waited for something to lift in her. It washisfault, that he had fallen, not hers. She hadn’t been the one to hurt him.
But shehadhurt him. In his quiet way, he had tried to ask for whathewanted. She had ignored him. What right did she have claiming to see the real Felix? He had made his life about her, and she had let him. Why hadn’t he told her? It was all so tangled and awful.
Here he was, her beautiful, complicated Felix, standing right in front of her, finally giving her permission to let go of the past and love him with wild abandon– but her thoughts, her feelings were in chaos. She couldn’t make sense of the thousand questions swirling in her head.
‘That’s why you brought your parents to defend me to the board? To make it up to me?’ Asta’s whole body was shaking, and she gripped the stool hard. ‘Were you trying to buy me back, Felix?’
‘No, I—’
‘Really? You weren’t trying to fix things just by being a Seraphin, because that’s what you do?’
Felix’s face paled.
‘You tell me you love me, but why couldn’t you believe that I lovedyou?Not your name. Not your dragons. Not all the things you could give me.You.’
Felix looked at her, afraid. ‘You love racing. What else could I offer—’
‘You don’t have togiveracing to me, Felix.’ Asta’s throat grew tight around her words.
Tears slipped from Felix’s eyes, and he wiped them as they fell. ‘I’m sorry. I’m sorry.’
‘Felix—’
