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‘My mother didn’t want me, the baggage from her bad marriage, and my father walked out.’ Lisa wrapped her arms tighter around her and something clenched in his heart. She looked so lost, so vulnerable and now he was adding to her pain because of all that had happened in his past.
He wanted to go to her, to hold her, to make her feel better, to put everything right. How could he when he was in the same dark place, haunted by the rejection of his father?
‘At least he came back,’ he said as he sat on the edge of the bed, physically close to her but so far away. ‘At least he wanted to know you, see you grow up.’
The green of her eyes flared so bright with anger as she looked instantly up at him that he leaned back away from her. Her face was pale and he wondered if she was feeling ill because of what they were talking about or because of the pregnancy. Thoughts of his mother clouded in. She’d been ill carrying his little sister, Angelina. Very ill.
With a huff of angry irritation he pushed that thought away and marched back to the window. History wouldn’t repeat itself. Would it? He couldn’t take losing another person he was close to. That was why he kept himself as emotionally distanced from Angelina as he could. A tyrant of a brother, she’d called him last time they’d spoken on the phone, finalising the last-minute details of her party. What would she say to him about the baby? That he had no right to be a father when he was such a cold, hard brother? And wasn’t that the truth? He had no right.
‘So you would rather your father had never come back into your life?’ The words were rough and feral as he pushed back all his past demons, determined to lock them away. It was Christmas Day after all and this wasn’t what he’d planned it to be.
‘You have no idea how much.’
He turned to look at her. How could she look so vulnerable and hurt, yet so angry at the same time? As she held his gaze, her eyes so vivid and green as she fought back tears he knew exactly why she wanted to walk away from him, deny him the chance of being a father. ‘And that’s why you don’t want me in our child’s life? Why you have given me such an ultimatum, demanding all or nothing?’
* * *
The fury in Max’s voice cut through Lisa’s heart, making her shiver as she realised her words had given everything away. She’d practically told him why she didn’t want him in his child’s life unless he could give her and the baby total commitment.
She looked up at him, unable to respond as she processed all they’d shared over the last hour. She’d never been able to talk to anyone about such things. Most women had good relationships with their mothers, were able to talk, but that had never been an option with her mother. Not when she was the unwanted child that had stopped all her partying and fun.
‘It’s Christmas Day, Max.’ Finally, she could piece together a sentence. ‘We shouldn’t be talking about this now.’
He walked back toward the bed, sat down and looked straight into her eyes. After what they’d shared last night she wanted him to take her in his arms and tell her it was all going to be all right, that the past didn’t matter, that she’d got it all wrong and he’d be there for her and the baby.
‘We should and we will.’ The firmness of his voice flattened any hope of that kind of sympathy. ‘My father left when I was eight. I blamed myself but, worse than that, I couldn’t help my mother. I couldn’t make her smile again.’
‘Oh, Max.’ She reached out, the wrap slipping from her shoulder as she touched the side of his face with her palm. ‘You weren’t to blame. You were just a child.’
‘I felt even more of a failure when she met my stepfather after we moved to Madrid. He brought the life back to my mother’s eyes.’ Lisa could hear the hurt in his voice and her heart went out to him and the eight-year-old boy he’d been.
‘That was love that did that, Max. Your stepfather’s love, but it would have been your love that kept her going, kept her strong.’
He sprang back from her, from her touch, his eyes so dark and so very hard. She was confused. What had she said that was so wrong?
‘Love?’ The word snarled out into the room as he once again paced to the window and she wished he could just sit and talk. Only then would she be able to break through the wall of pain he was barricaded behind. ‘Not my love.’
‘Of course it did,’ she implored as she joined him at the window. How she wished they could go back to where they’d been when she’d first opened her eyes this morning. To the moment before their pasts had collided with the first Christmas that held the promise of something other than upset and tears.
