I call her onTeams,and she answers right away, sipping coffee.
“Jared. Long time no see.”
I wave at the screen. “Hi, Doctor Lee. Sorry about that. I’ve been—”
“Busy.” She smiles knowingly.
I shrug, but I can’t help smiling too. “Yeah. I guess.”
“How’s work? Have you settled in?” She pushes her glasses up on top of her head and starts typing on a tablet.
“Yes. It’s really good. I’m enjoying my time with the athletes, and I’ve also… made a few friends.”
She looks up, and I can tell she’s surprised. “You have?”
“Yeah. Two other coaches. Santos and Hua Jing. We went out once, and they’re really nice.”
“That’s great, Jared. I’m so happy for you. Putting yourself out there and making friends is one of the things we put down as short-term goals, remember?”
I nod, fiddling with the hem of my T-shirt. “I know.”
“I’m proud of you.”
“Thanks.”
Her expression grows serious. “And privately? How are things with your family?”
“I received a call from my dad.”
“You did?”
I scratch the back of my neck. “Yeah. Kinda took me by surprise. I thought it was Janelle checking in, so I just answered.” My hands grow clammy, and my chest constricts. I haven’t heard from Dad since that day, but talking about it throws me right back to that day in Paris.
“And did you talk?”
I shake my head. “No, I couldn’t. I don’t think I’m ready.”
“That’s okay.” Her voice softens. “Remember what we talked about.Youare in charge, Jared.Youdecide if or when you want to resume contact with your father.”
“I know.” We’ve spoken about this a ton of times. I need to take my control back.
“How did hearing his voice make you feel?”
I chuckle bitterly. “I guess you could say I freaked out.”
“How so?”
“I couldn’t breathe again. It wasn’t a full-on panic attack, but the anxiety was there. So I hung up. I just couldn’t.”
“And that’s okay, Jared. This is about you reclaiming your life and establishing your boundaries. It’s perfectly fine for you to remove yourself from a situation you aren’t ready to deal with. Let me ask you this. Do you want to reconcile with your father eventually?”
I’ve thought about this over and over again. Can I forgive my dad? Will he change? Will we ever be able to have a relationship that isn’t defined by pressure, critique, and toxicity? “I don’t know. I… don’t think so. To be honest, Doctor Lee, I don’t think a relationship with him will ever be an equal one, and something that brings me value.”
She nods, but lets me continue.
I lick my lips. “I… I’ve met someone. This guy, Wes. He, uhm… he’s a physical therapist at the university. We grew up together, back in Cannon Beach.” I smile. “Well, I don’t remember him, but he remembers me.” For some reason, I feel sad. My eyes sting. It’s an all-consuming sadness that ties back to my past, like I’ve missed out on something special. “He reminds me of the kind of guy I could’ve been if my dad hadn’t pushed me as he did. Wes… he…” I brush at my eyes, unable to stop the tears.
“It’s okay, Jared. Take your time.”
