“I really like him. He makes me feel good about myself. He somehow manages to pull me out of my head.” I laugh, sniffling. “I don’t know how he fucking does it. He’s just so sweet and genuine and…”
“And what?”
I look up at the screen and lock eyes with Doctor Lee. “It feels like he sees me, you know? Like truly sees me, and he likes what he sees. It blows my mind because—” My voice breaks.
“Because?” she hedges.
I inhale deeply. “Because I thought I’d lost myself, but looking back, I don’t think I ever knew the real me. I wasn’t allowed just to be me.”
“And with him you are. Isn’t it wonderful, Jared?”
“What?”
“How it only takes one person to truly see you and then for you to see it too.”
I suddenly feel cold, and I wrap my arms around myself. “See what?” I whisper. I’m emotionally drained. Therapy usually does that to me.
“How wonderful you are, Jared. And how worthy.” Doctor Lee smiles. “Hold on to that feeling.”
“I try, but it’s scary.”
“I know. Good things are scary, but we can’t shy away from them.” She pauses. “How close have you become with this guy? Wes, is it?”
Images of last night and this morning course through me, and just like that, the chill seeps from my bones. Heat radiates through me from the phantom feel of having Wes in my arms. “Yes, Wes. We’re boyfriends, actually.”
“You are?”
I laugh. “Don’t sound so surprised.”
“Iamsurprised. But happily. That’s wonderful, Jared.”
I nod.
“Are you intimate?”Fuck my life.
I nod again, blushing.
“Good. And how does that make you feel? Being intimate with someone again.”
Oh God. How does that make me feel? How can I explain it so she’ll understand? How Wes makes me feel everything all at once, and how being with him intimately is such an all-consuming experience. I always want to feel like that. Before I overthink it, I just say, “Happy. It makes me feel really happy.”
Doctor Lee just smiles, typing on her tablet.
“And you’re still taking your medication?”
“Yes. Never miss it.”
“Excellent. And the dosage is still working for you?”
“Yeah, I think so.”
“Good. As I told you previously, I don’t think we should lower your dosage or start tapering your medication for at least another year. You still need them as a safety net.”
“I agree.”
“Good.” She looks at her watch. “We still have a little time left. What do you want to talk about?”
“I… I don’t know. I think we covered everything.”
