I rarely allowed Father’s words to hurt me, but with my heart still sore from learning Jerry truly had returned home, the protective wall I normally kept up between me and my father crumbled.
It was natural for daughters to marry and leave their father’s home. I only wanted him to be more saddened at the thought of me leaving. Even if I wasn’t truly his, had our years together not bonded him to me in some way that made him love me?
“Are ye so eager to see me gone from here? Will ye not miss me at all?”
Father’s eyes softened in the same way they always did when he played with Eoin.
“O’course I’ll miss ye.” He paused and sighed then opened his arms and waved me toward him. “Come and sit on my knee.”
I stared back at him blankly. Never in my life had my father held me. Slowly, I stood and walked toward him and lowered myself onto his lap. It felt strange and foreign, and for some reason I couldn’t explain, it made me want to cry.
“I’ve not always treated ye as I should. I know ye wonder if I care for ye as I do Alasdair. I do, lass. I love ye so much it pains me. Do ye know how much ye remind me of yer mother? Every time I look at ye, I see her. As similar as ye are in personality, I canna believe that ye never knew her.
“No matter how things ended between us, yer mother was the love of my life. If I’ve distanced myself from ye, ’tis only to prevent the pain I feel when I see her reflected in ye. Ye must wed not because I doona want ye here, but because I must ensure that ye will always be cared for—even after I’m gone.”
I couldn’t imagine a world without him. I feared so many things about my future, but losing my father had never been one of them. He was so strong, so forceful. Although I knew it foolish, it was truly the first time losing him had crossed my mind.
Unable to stop myself, I relaxed against his chest and allowed his arms to wrap around me.
He held me there until I fell asleep. I stirred when he stood but feigned sleep when I realized what he was doing. My father—my cold, often-cruel, complicated father—was carrying me to my room as if I were a small child.
The climb up the stairs was easy for him, and he kissed my forehead as he tucked me beneath the blankets. He paused in the doorway as he left, turning back over his shoulder to whisper, “I love you” in Gaelic.
I was wide awake now—shaking and sobbing beneath the covers. It should’ve been healing for my father to confess such feelings to me after years of wanting to hear such words. Instead, it terrified me.
It felt so very much like goodbye.
Chapter 23
The next morning, I woke to Alasdair shaking my shoulders. He was trembling with excitement, and I knew before I opened my eyes that Elspeth had finally told him about the baby.
“Morna, lass, I’ve news to tell ye. Elspeth…she…she’s with child again.”
I couldn’t remember a time when I’d seen him more ecstatic.
Lifting me from the bed with ease, he pulled me into a hug that left my feet dangling a good distance from the floor. He continued to speak into my ear as he spun me around.
“Ye will be an auntie again. She thinks ’tis another boy, though I doona know how she could possibly know. I doona care if the babe comes out half-horse, I shall love it. Always before, when she’s lost them, ’twas earlier in the pregnancy. She has much hope that this one shall live.”
Finally, he set me down. I steadied myself as I smiled at him. I didn’t tell him that I already knew. It was fitting that he believe himself the first to know.
“’Tis the happiest news I’ve heard in some time. What do ye think wee Eoin will think of it?”
Alasdair laughed and moved to the window. Down below, Eoin was readying his pony to go out on a ride with his grandfather.
“I expect he’ll be excited enough until the babe arrives. After that, I willna be surprised if years pass before he makes his peace with having less attention.”
It would certainly be an adjustment for the sweet, spoiled child, but there was nothing better than having a sibling with whom to share your childhood. Alasdair had told me many times that he wished we were closer in age so that we could’ve grown up together. By the time I arrived, Alasdair was nearly grown.
“There will always be plenty of people around the castle to give Eoin attention, so perhaps he willna mind the child as much as ye think.”
I leaned in to hug my brother once again. Alasdair’s smile was contagious. His happiness pushed away the dreadful feelings I’d fallen asleep with.
“I’m happy for ye, brother. And for Elspeth. And even for myself. Being an aunt has been one of the greatest joys of my life. Have ye told Father yet?”
Alasdair shook his head and pulled away to head toward the door.
“No. I mean to join them on their ride and tell them both at once. Eoin watches Father so closely. If he shows that he is glad and happy about the news, mayhap Eoin will feel the same.”
