But now he was in my room, on my bed. Looking at me like he did.
Everything was crashing together in my mind, my heart, my lungs. It wasn’t that I didn’t know what I wanted, but that admitting it might cost more than I was willing to give up.
“Maz, I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t act surprised,” he said with bitter amusement in his voice. “You’ve always hated the emperor.”
I snapped my gaze back to his. “I’m not surprised he had something to do with her death. He burned whole villages during the takeover. When he found you, you never saw your parents die. Vahid never does anything without an agenda. He isn’t altruistic and you know it.”
“I always thought he was truthful with me. I always thought I knew where I stood with him. He wanted loyalty, yes, but I thought he provided that tousin return. It was a transaction I thought was fair. I didn’t realize it was tipped against me from the beginning.”
I chewed my bottom lip, my eyes going again to the bruise on his chin. “How did you find out?”
What did he do to you?
“He told me.” Mazin’s mouth flattened. “After I came back from the north and didn’t manage to quell the rebellion there. The smug bastard came out and told me. That he’d been lying to me all these years. That he’d killed her as she was trying to run back to us. That I was a failure just like her.” He rubbed the side of his jaw where the bruise was, and I noticed blood caked in the edge of his lip too.
“He hit me, then dared me to return the strike.” He gave a bitter laugh. “If I had, he would’ve eviscerated me. I’ve seen him burn people from the inside out. He always did like holding all the power and using it against those who had none.”
I closed my eyes, tamping down my rising rage. I didn’t usually have the kind of comforting words others did, and never managed to say the right thing to provide reassurance. I wasn’t warm or soft or kind.
So I said the only thing that made sense to me.
“If the emperor were here, I would slit his throat.” My voice was low and rough in the darkness of my room.
“Oddly, that makes me feel significantly better.” He laughed a little, running his hand through his hair and looking up at the ceiling.
I followed the path of his fingers and bit my lip. “It should, I’m quite handy with a dagger.” My voice was lighter than before, matching his tone, giving him some reprieve.
“Don’t I know it.” There were still shadows lurking in his eyes that I wanted desperately to chase away.
Tell me something true.
I leaned toward him, my heart in my throat, my voice low and quiet. “The first time I saw you, I wanted to wring your neck.”
Maz stared at me, then let out a disbelieving laugh. “I know you have trouble being sensitive, but there might be a better time to talk about that.” He tilted his head. “And likewise.”
I swallowed past my panic and kept speaking. “I think you are nearly as good a swordsman as I am.” My voice spilled out of me like hot chai, dispelling the cold that had crept in when Mazin talked about his mother’s death.
Dawning understanding flitted across his face as he realized what I was doing. “Dani—”
I carried on, my breath rushed, like I had been running, not letting him stop the words from falling out. If he stopped me, I wouldn’t ever say this.
“Sometimes, when we fight, I stare so much at your arms that I get distracted.” My face was so hot I was surprised it didn’t light up the room. But I had said it.
I had told him something true.
Maybe too true.
Maz choked out an incoherent sound, but I continued. I could do this. I could keep going. This wasn’t just for him anymore, it was for me too. What was my life if I wasn’t honest with the people I cared the most about?
Tell me something true.
I couldn’t stop now.
“The other girls in the village are jealous I spend so much time with you. For the longest time I couldn’t understand why.” My words grew soft.
I wrung my hands in the folds of my kurta, keeping my eyes locked on his. I felt an unfamiliar fluttering, the feeling of stepping off a cliff. My fear was contained in these haunted dark eyes looking back at me, in the words that sprang from my mouth so quick I could barely contain them.
