And that was the worst part. I couldn’t wish away my feelings about him, they had been part of me for years. It was natural that they would come to the forefront when we were together. But I was hoping I could channel that, control it. But when he kissed me, he wasn’t kissing Dania. He was kissing Sanaya and feeling those things for her.
I had forgotten that.
“Don’t say it out loud, it makes it real.” I grimaced into the pillow.
“I wasn’t expecting to have to peel you two apart, that’s for sure. But…” She paused as if considering. “Thisiswhat you wanted,” reasoned Noor. “Isn’t it?”
I exhaled heavily. “I thought so. But it’s harder going through with it than I thought.”
My hands instinctively curled into fists at my sides. It was much easier to hold a dagger, for my weapons to be blood and blades, not my lips, my thighs, my skin.
It was simpler to stab someone in the chest than lose my heart.
“You mean you can’t coldly seduce your previous lover who betrayed you without any old feelings rearing their ugly head?” She crossed her arms.
“For once can you be serious?” I chewed on my lip. “I struggle with the idea that he wants someone else.”
“Because when he’s kissing you he thinks he’s with someone else?”
“Yes.”
Noor cleared her throat and leaned back against the wall. “You want me to be serious?”
I nodded.
“Then here I am, being serious. You still love him.” She jabbed her finger in my direction and I stared at her outstretched hand.
The words sank into my gut. I had avoided admitting it but I could feel the truth, deep in my bones.
And still, denial choked my words. “You said it yourself—he betrayed me, had me arrested, left me to be tortured and to rot in prison.” I broke off bitterly, scraping my hands over my face. “How could I still love someone like that? How foolish would I have to be?”
“It isn’t so easy to turn feelings on and off, Dania.”
“It was easy for him!” I lurched to my feet. My heart thundered in my ears and I wanted it to drown out Noor and her reasonableness.
“But you aren’t Mazin. You aren’t like him.” Noor walked over to me. She placed her hands on my shoulders and stopped my pacing. We stood there for a minute, rooted to the floor. “You aren’t a cold-hearted beast.”
“Aren’t I?” I laughed, a bitter sound, the rough scrape of a sword against stone. “I will become one.” My words were low. A soft whisper followed them, like an echo, but an entirely different voice to mine.
Yes.
“Did you hear that?” I looked over my shoulder toward the empty hallway.
“Hear what?” Her forehead creased, looking in the same direction before turning back to me. She shook her head. “I like Mazin’s sister. Are you still going to destroy her too?”
I tore my gaze away from the dark corridor and back to Noor. That voice sank into my skin with dread, the same one I’d heard in Souma’s cave. But Noor never heard a thing.
Maybe I was losing my mind after all. Noor stared at me expectantly, and I realized she was waiting for my answer to her question.
“Maz didn’t care about my family when he took them from me.”
“The girl is innocent.”
“So was I,” I hissed. My face was hot with emotion. “I shouldn’t have to justify myself to you. You of all people should understand.”
Noor swallowed, and I could see her jaw working.
I narrowed my eyes. “Just say it, I know you want to.”
