“That’s your fucking conscience talking.”He stood up, and I realized he was done.
“Don’t go, Eddie.Please.What do I have to do to make you stay?”
“There’s nothing you can do.You’re living in a dream world if you think I’m going back into the closet because you’re afraid to come out.You’re on your own.”
And he left.
I sat on the bench, sobbing.I didn’t care if anyone saw.When I looked up, he was gone.Part of me hoped he’d still be there, that he’d give me another chance.That we could talk, work things out.
It started snowing in tight, stinging pellets.I wiped my nose on my sleeve.I looked at his engagement ring sitting on the little hump of snow beside me.It was the only thing of his I had left.I picked it up and put it safe in my pocket.Then I got up and walked away.
I kept walking until I didn’t know where I was.I couldn’t go back to the apartment.It wasn’t home anymore without him.Sometimes when I was walking, the pain hit me in a wave, and I’d sit down and cry until my whole body shook.Then the pain would ease off, and I’d get up and start walking again.The cold had sunk into me so deep I couldn’t feel it.The next thing I knew, it was dark, and I didn’t know where I was.I called Bex.My hand was shaking so much I could barely hold the phone.
“What’s up?”said Bex.
I was so choked up I could hardly get the words out.“Can you pick me up?”
“What’s wrong?”
“Please?”
“Sure.Where are you?”
I looked at the street signs at the nearest intersection and read them off to him.
“Stay there,” he said.“I’ll come get you.”
Bex didn’t have a car.He pulled up to the curb in an Uber half an hour later.He opened the door and said, “Get in, man.It’s cold.”
I got in and shut the door.
“Back to the place you picked me up from, please,” Bex told the driver.Then he looked at me.“Is it Eddie?”
I nodded.
“What happened?Did he hit you?”
“No, he didn’t hit me!He’d never do that.”
“Then what happened, Craig?You’re a mess.”
“He dumped me!”It came out all strangled, and I started crying again.
“I’m sorry, man.But why can’t you go home?It’s your place, not his, right?”
My throat was so tight it hurt to talk.I shook my head.
Bex didn’t say anything else for the rest of the ride.He lived with his parents and his sister in Riverdale, but the house was dark and quiet when we arrived.I didn’t know what time it was.
“I’ve got to be up early tomorrow,” said Bex.“Couch okay?”
“Yeah.”
Bex gave me blankets and a pillow.After he went to bed, I lay on the couch, still shivering from the cold.I hugged the pillow, but it didn’t feel like Eddie.It was too soft, and it didn’t smell like him.
When I held Eddie at night, it always felt like everything was going to be okay.Now, nothing would ever be okay again.I stared at the quilt draped over the back of the couch, pictures of apples and peaches, blurred and shiny, and I remembered how I’d felt hearing his key in the door when he came home.I took his wooden ring out of my pocket and squeezed it.
I couldn’t sleep.I just lay there all night.
