Why didn’t he tell her?
Calm down, Porter.
I stopped the video because I hadn’t taken anything in, and before I could reconsider, I got up and left the building.
I had to explain myself, right?I walked into the Annex.Halfway there, I got cold feet, but I would have looked like an idiot to everyone on the street if I’d turned around for no obvious reason.So I kept walking to their place like I knew exactly what I was doing, and I knocked on the door like I meant business, and geez what the hell?I wasn’t dressed up.I probably looked like shit.I was not ready for this.
Then the door opened, and there he was.
“Can I come in?”I’d already broken the social contract last night.Now I was sober, I wanted to say what I had to say in private.
He let me in, but I froze in the hallway because I had no idea what to say.I only knew I had to say something.It smelled like he was making grilled cheese for lunch.
“About last night,” I said.
“It’s fine.”
I couldn’t get over how chill he seemed.
“I was drunk,” I said.
“You’re forgiven.”
That was it?I came all the way here just to see him, and we were done?I stood there because I didn’t want to leave.
“What’s up?”he said.
“Look...”I didn’t know what to say, so I...“I’m straight, okay?I’m twenty-two and I’ve never...with a guy.I’ve never wanted to.I’ve had girlfriends.I’ve had lots of sex with women.I’ve enjoyed it.They’ve enjoyed it.I’ve never been attracted to a guy in my life.Not even a little.I’ve never even thought about it before.”
“Okay?”he said.
“Then I met you.”
You know how you’re talking, and you suddenly say something you didn’t know you were going to say, but when you say it, you realize it’s true?Yeah.
“You came here to say something you’ll need to apologize for again?”he said.
“I don’t know what I’m trying to say.”
“You want to try sex with a guy?”he said.
“Not just any guy.You.I mean—not sex.I don’t wanna have sex, but—”
“I’ve got a girlfriend,” he said, like that was the end of the conversation.
But I didn’t want to leave, because we’d just gotten to the point.We’d identified what had been bugging me since I met him.
So I blurted it out, sober this time.“I know you have a girlfriend, and I wouldn’t do that to Trish, and you’re probably not the person I should be telling this to, but I don’t know who else to talk to.I honestly never felt like this before, not for any of my girlfriends.Not this much.I can’t stop thinking about you.I just want to be with you.”I squeezed my eyes shut because I did not want to see his reaction to that.“Sorry.I shouldn’t have said that.”
“You want something to drink?”He sounded totally relaxed after what I’d said.And he hadn’t told me to fuck off.
“Sure,” I said.“Got any milk?”
He led me into the kitchen where his lunch was sitting (it was a grilled cheese sandwich), and he poured some milk into an old Disney glass with a faded black-and-orange patch that looked like it used to be Goofy.He set the glass in front of me.His hand was steady.Mine weren’t.
He sat with me.His eyes were green with rings of golden brown, like lions’ manes, around his pupils.
I sipped my milk.I had problems swallowing, for some reason.
