Back in December, I’d booked tickets for him and me to seeHamiltonon his birthday.I’d planned the whole evening with dinner at a nice restaurant beforehand.I’d forgotten about it until I got a calendar notification on my phone.Instead of going out to dinner and a show with him, I sat at home alone.
That was when I got an email from my mom giving me permission to FaceTime her and my dad.If she’d done it any other day, I’d have been nicer or felt guilty.Not tonight.I FaceTimed them, and before they could say a word, I told them exactly what I thought of how they’d treated Eddie.My heart was pounding, because I’d never raised my voice to them before.Twice, my mom interrupted me.I was so angry, I muted her and kept talking.When I was finished, I unmuted them.
My mom said, “Well, I can see you’re still worked up over that grotty little boy.”
“No,” I said.“I’m done.With both of you.I don’t want to see or hear from either of you ever again.You can bothfuck right off.”
Then I cut the connection.My apartment felt quiet.I heard the St.Patrick’s Day celebrations in the distance.We would have been coming home from seeingHamiltonright now, holding hands and planning our wedding.And when we got home, we’d have the best sex we’d ever had, and then I’d hold him, and we’d fall asleep, and everything would have been perfect.
I blocked my parents on my phone and my email, then I switched off my laptop.I waited for something catastrophic to happen.But the world didn’t end (not any more than it had since he’d left).
What happened instead was that two weeks later, I got a letter in the mail from my mother.It was the only way she could contact me, other than coming to my apartment, and I’d never let her into the building if she tried.I took the letter to my therapist, and he opened it, and we went over it together.It was hard to accept that my parents had never really loved me.They’d only loved the idea of me as their perfect son: perfect grades, perfectly straight.Only I was bi and fucked up and weak and so scared of disappointing them that I hadn’t protected Eddie from them.Eddie had been right.If anything, what my mother wrote in that letter made me realize I’d been right to cut her off.Too late, though.Too late for me and Eddie.
Chapter Thirty-Seven: Company
Acouple of weeks afterI cut my parents off, I was on a tap Discord looking for advice on getting a new board, because my current one was getting pretty battered, when someone mentioned that The Black Tap Company was looking to replace a member who’d moved to Baltimore.The company was based in Toronto, and I thought,Why not?I checked out their website and recognized one of them, Annie, from some tap festivals I’d attended.All the company’s members were Black.My heart sank.I didn’t know what they’d think of me auditioning.But I figured I had nothing to lose, so I emailed their contact, Donie.She called me back a day later.I could hear kids laughing and shrieking in the background.She told me to come to her dance school at eight thirty Friday night and “show me what you got.”
The next day, I brought my tap shoes and my dance gear to work and had dinner downtown.Well, I tried to eat, but I was too nervous.I bought a bottle of cold water so I could stay hydrated.Then I walked to the studio.The sounds inside the studio reminded me of when I’d belonged to a company.I’d been tapping solo for so long I’d forgotten how good it felt to be around other tappers.When I got to the top of the stairs, another guy was there waiting.He was a little shorter than I was, stockier, and younger.He was wearing Bloch tap shoes.
“You here for auditions?”he said.
“Yeah.”
“Craig.”He held out his hand.
For a second, I thought he knew me from somewhere.Then I realized Craig was his name, too.“Same,” I said, shaking his hand.
This wouldn’t be confusing at all.
While I waited, I started stretching.Then I sat on one of the chairs against the wall because I was so nervous I felt like I was going to puke.I remembered Eddie’s trick and pressed the cold water bottle to the back of my neck, and it helped.
Then a woman opened the door and said, “Come on in, Craig.”
We both got up and went in.
It was a big room smelling of sweat and full of mirrored light.Four people were inside: one man and three women.
