“I meant for not moving out.”
“You thought I’d leave because of this?”
“Well, yeah.None of my girlfriends would have stayed.”
“Craig, I’m not gonna leave.”
“But I can’t give you what you want.”
“You already have.”
“I haven’t, Eddie.You’ve asked me for things I can’t give you.And I don’t know if I ever can.”
He put his arm around me.“This okay?”
“Yeah,” I said, because I could tell he wasn’t being sexual.
“What I want is for you to stop running yourself down.Can you do that for me?”
“I’ll try.”
Chapter Nineteen: Therapy
Some days were harderthan others.Some mornings, I had trouble getting out of bed.I was seeing the therapist two or three times a week and taking pills to sleep.I hated taking them.I’d be groggy the next day and unfocused at work, and then I found out they were habit-forming.SoI stopped taking them.Then I couldn’t fall asleep.I’d hold Eddie in bed, but my thoughts kept spinning, and I’d try not to move so I wouldn’t wake him.
But it was worse when I did fall asleep because of the nightmares.I didn’t know where I was, but it was dark, and something bad was in the dark, touching me, and I’d wake up screaming.Then he’d turn on the light so I’d see where I was, and he’d hold me till I calmed down, and then I’d ask him to leave the light on, like I was a little kid.I felt guilty for keeping him awake, because he was working long hours, and he’d leave in the morning looking exhausted.Because of me.I said I should sleep on the couch so I didn’t wake him, and he got angry, but not at me.He said I should sleep in my bed because I didn’t do anything wrong.He told me I’d get better, but I didn’t see how.
Every day after work, I’d come home and check if he’d moved out.I couldn’t understand why he put up with me.
He was busy with work, and I barely saw him, because our schedules didn’t sync.I brought my tap board to work so I could practice in the basement for an hour before heading off for rehearsals or gigs, and by the time I came home, he’d be asleep.
And things with the band weren’t good.I didn’t tell Bex and Ben what was going on, because I wasn’t ready to talk about it with anyone but Eddie and my therapist.Bex kept asking me if I was okay.Brian—who was always a dick—was also, apparently, biphobic.
“Hey, guys,” he said one day, “How about we rename the band?”
He’d always hated the band’s name, but we’d had the name before he joined us.
