I walked back to where I’d started and went through the routine again, sharper this time, but not quite up to code.This time, Jack let me go longer before he stopped me and told me to do it again.The third time was even better, and I made it as far as the steps.I was getting into it, feeling almost normal.
“Let’s do it again, with the music,” said Jack.“I can’t see your body properly, Craig.Take your hoodie off.”
It was an order, not a request.I froze.
“Off!”said Jack.“Give it to one of the crew.”
I pulled my hoodie off slowly, in case he changed his mind.But he didn’t, and my T-shirt rode up, and I grabbed hold of it so it wouldn’t come off too, and the sunglasses came off, so I put them back on.The wind was blowing cold.
Jack said, “Now, start the music in three, two, one, action!”
I’d given him a list of songs I could dance to, but he played a song I’d never heard before, and the beat wasn’t right.It was in 3|4 time.I stood there.
“Cut!”said Jack.“What happened, Craig?”
“Nothing.Sorry.”
I had to try and tune the music out.
“Again in...three, two, one, action!”
The song started again, and I went into my routine.Or tried to.Everything felt wrong.
“Cut!”said Jack.
I tried to pull myself together.Then Eddie was there, handing me my water bottle.I had to take small sips because I was having trouble swallowing, and my hand was shaking.While I was drinking it, he said, “You’re gonna be okay.I’m right here.”
I passed the bottle back.I wanted to hug him, but I couldn’t—not with Jack glaring at me, and I was trying to keep it together for Eddie because I didn’t want to let him down.
“Hey,” he said, “You can do this.Nobody else can do what you do, ’cause you’re fucking amazing.”
I didn’t deserve him.I started tearing up, and I was glad I was wearing sunglasses so he couldn’t see me being so pathetic.
“Eddie, get off the set,” said Jack.
Eddie tapped me lightly on the arm, smiled at me, then walked off.
I exhaled slowly.
“Craig, take your mark again,” said Jack.
All the tension came rushing back.One of the crew started the music.This time I focused on the sounds of my taps, and it was almost okay.
Jack called cut.“Better.Now do it again.”
I walked back to my mark and waited for Jack to tell me to go.
“Take your shirt off, Craig,” said Jack.
He had this stern look on his face.Not joking.
“Take it off, Craig,” he said.
I froze.
“No fucking way, Jack,” said Eddie, and he walked toward me.
“Get off the set, Eddie,” said Jack.
