Kayla took a deep breath and launched into the story. For the first time, she told Dr. Frost the absolute truth. She confessed about the coffee date with Skye and how she’d lied about getting married. Then about the fake engagement, the joint honeymoons, and the Plan of Seduction. Dr. Frost listened and rarely interjected, even to scold her for her dishonesty, and Kayla appreciated the freedom. She didn’t even draw a veil over the make-out session with Mack or the almost-sex from the previous night. Part of her was relieved to get it all out in the open.
She was less relieved and only slightly less honest when she told the story of the race to the rocks and the challenge to Skye to marry her instead of Amy. She had to close her eyes when she described the kiss and Mack’s reaction. She couldn’t face the world she’d created, in that moment. After explaining her frantic trips around the resort in a fruitless search for Mack, she ran out of steam. Her story done, she collapsed back against the wicker chair.
Dr. Frost said, “Well, you have had a busy week.”
Kayla’s laugh tasted bitter. “That’s a very nice way of saying I’m an idiot.”
“I didn’t say you are an idiot because you aren’t an idiot. You are impulsive and competitive, and your emotions are big. Often times bigger than other people’s emotions, but none of that makes you an idiot. It makes you uniquely you.”
“I’m pretty sure I ruined my own life, but I appreciate you giving me a gold star for being special.”
Dr. Frost deadpanned, “I forgot to mention that you use sarcasm to cover those big emotions sometimes. It’s quite charming.”
The banter made Kayla laugh for real, and then, for some horribly embarrassing reason, she started crying. Once she started, she found it incredibly hard to stop. She blubbered out an apology, and she was pretty sure Dr. Frost said something kind in return, but she had to put the phone down or risk dropping it.
Once she’d collected herself enough to speak, she switched the phone to speaker and rested her cheek on the cool glass surface of the table next to it. She said, “I’m really scared, Dr. Frost.”
“What are you scared of, Kayla?”
She’d never been so happy to have an appointment where her therapist couldn’t see her. For some reason, it made honesty much, much easier. Or maybe it was the feeling of hopelessness that allowed her to find the courage to speak.
Kayla took a deep breath and said, “I’m freaking out, and I haven’t freaked out like this since…you know.”
“Since your breakdown. Since your hospitalization.”
“Yeah.”
“Are you afraid you’re going to break down and have to be hospitalized again?”
“Yeah.”
“Remember what we talked about with going to the hospital?”
Kayla recited the words without feeling them. “Going to the hospital is asking for help. There is no shame in asking for help when you have a heart attack. So, there is no shame in asking for help when you have a panic attack.”
“Do you feel like you need that kind of help?”
“No.”
She paused for a moment, then asked, “Are you saying that because you think it’s true or because you don’t want to ask for help?”
Normally, she answered quickly, batting the tennis balls of Dr. Frost’s questions back across the net without letting herselfthink about where to aim the shot. This time, she caught the ball and looked at it. Then she looked across the court and around her. She looked into the stands and at the sky. She really thought about it and let herself believe that either answer was okay.
Finally, she said truthfully, “I am saying no because I think it’s true.”
“Then why are you afraid?”
“Because last time I didn’t have a choice. I broke down and couldn’t help myself. I don’t want to break again.”
Now it was Dr. Frost’s turn to hesitate, and that was rare. Kayla opened her eyes and looked at the phone, wondering if her therapist was also happy this appointment wasn’t face-to-face. She seemed to be thinking and measuring her words, too. “I don’t think you’ll break down this time, Kayla.”
Kayla’s lips and stomach twisted at the platitude. Again, with people telling her what she wanted to hear, rather than the truth. Why did everyone do that? Why didn’t they trust her to be strong enough to handle reality? The lies were infantilizing and infuriating, and she wanted to scream in rage.
Dr. Frost said, “You don’t believe me.”
It wasn’t a question, so Kayla didn’t treat it like one. “I suppose you can’t really say anything else. If you did, it might push me into a breakdown anyway.”
“Not with your personality type. It would probably help you to hear that I didn’t think you’re okay. You like to prove people wrong, and you would fight tooth and nail to make sure you did.”
