Darkness had truly fallen, but they were standing inside the circle of torchlight. It was just enough to see Mack’s wide smile and her eyes sparkling. Given the charged atmosphere, Kayla did a double-take. Was Mack laughing? She totally was. It was suppressed laughter that made her shoulders shake like that.
Mack lifted her hand to cover her lips and said, “You should see your face. I thought you were gonna deck that guy.”
The tension in Kayla’s chest snapped, and suddenly she was laughing, too. “I seriously considered it.”
Mack let herself go, and a burst of laughter cut through the night. Kayla’s laughter became almost hysterical. Well out of proportion for the ridiculousness of the waiter’s interference. It just felt so good to be laughing with Mack again. Not quite asgood as it felt to kiss her, but it felt like old times. She was still terrified. Still certain that losing Mack forever was a real possibility, but at least they were on the same side for a moment.
Much sooner than she would have wished, their laughter melted away, and Mack was again looking at her with wary disappointment. Kayla’s stomach soured, and she took another deep breath, steeling herself for the fight of her life.
Mack didn’t wait for Kayla to collect herself or get out an explanation. She looked right into Kayla’s eyes and said, “You were an asshole this morning, and not just to Skye and Amy.”
All the fears she’d been carrying all day flooded her at once. Normally, that would have been the kick she needed to pull out all the stops. She’d always been great at playing from behind. But her life had changed too much in the last week as Mack snuck into different corners of her heart. Rather than energizing her the fear made her more tired than she had ever felt in her life. It was an effort just to hold herself upright, but she couldn’t crumble now. She couldn’t make this about herself. “I know. I’m so sorry. I hurt you and I don’t have an excuse.”
Mack watched her silently for a moment. The inspection was so intense that it made Kayla’s skin tingle. Finally, she said, “How about an explanation instead?”
Hope trickled in through the cracks of Kayla’s fear. At least Mack was willing to hear her out. That was something, wasn’t it? “I panicked. I had this whole game plan, and my whole life I’ve been taught to stick to the plan. I had worked Skye into the position I’d been aiming for all week, so I took my shot, even though I realized I didn’t even want to anymore.”
Mack nodded but kept her stony silence. Inside, Kayla smiled. Mack had never let her off easy. It was one of the things she loved most about their friendship. Mack never let her get away with the bullshit everyone else let her get away with. With Mack, she had to be completely honest. She allowed herself amicrosecond to wonder if it would be the thing she loved most about their relationship if they ever started one for real.
Kayla said, “It wasn’t just that panic, though.”
“What else was it?”
Tears threatened to pour out of her, but she kept them back. They gummed up her voice, though. “I was afraid.”
“Of what?”
“Of losing another future.” Mack gave her a puzzled look, so she explained the thing she’d been afraid to even tell her therapist. “If you asked me ten years ago what my future would look like, I would have said that I would be a professional soccer player and a World Cup winner. If you’d asked me five years ago, I’d have said that I would be a high-powered financial planner making half a million a year and closing deals that would make even you blink. If you’d asked me two years ago, I’d have said that I was going to be married to a hot adrenaline junkie and probably have a kid on the way.”
Mack dropped her gaze to the sand. Did she understand? Could she? Mack hadn’t lost everything time and time again. She didn’t know what it felt like to go from world-class winner to world-class loser every time she tried something new.
Kayla said, “The idea of starting all over again was too much. I clung to Skye not because I loved her, but because I loved the future she represented. I just couldn’t lose everything again.”
“So, you asked her to marry you anyway. Even though you and I shared…whatever we shared the night before. What if she’d said yes?”
Kayla had never stopped to consider that. Instead of processing the thought inside, she shared what she felt with Mack, and it felt good to let her in. “Honestly, I don’t know. I just know I’ve never been more relieved in my life than when she turned me down.”
Mack scowled, and the look did not settle easily onto her kind face or onto Kayla’s frayed nerves. “I have trouble believing that.”
“I know. I’ve given you every reason in the world to doubt me. But I hope you can believe me when I tell you that I’ve learned a lot about myself today. I’ve learned a lot about why I do the things I do, and I want to change. I can change.”
Mack’s quiet laugh held no mirth, only bitterness. “You can’t control everything in life, though, LaLa. What happens the next time things don’t go your way?”
Kayla’s confidence was returning a little more with each word. Each moment that Mack didn’t run away was another moment she had to fight for what she really wanted. “I’ll be able to handle it better next time.”
“Why’s that?”
Kayla took a tentative step forward, and Mack didn’t back away. That meant something, right? “Because I’ll remember this time, when I did the one thing I never wanted to do. I hurt the person I care most about in the world.”
Mack stared silently at her, but there was a glimmer of something in her eye. It came to Kayla all of a sudden. She wasn’t angry. She was scared. Kayla hurt her, and she wanted to believe she wouldn’t do it again, but she was too scared to let go just yet. Kayla owed her more.
Kayla took another step forward, close enough now to feel the warmth radiating off of Mack’s body. She reached out and slipped her hand into Mack’s. She didn’t squeeze Kayla’s hand back, but she didn’t let go.
Kayla said, “I looked for you everywhere today.”
“I didn’t really want to be found.”
“I understand. I’m just happy you didn’t leave. I was worried you’d change your flight and fly home without talking to me first.”
