I frown. “How?”
For a second, I think he’s not going to answer me, but then he says, “He was six at the time and totally obsessed with fire trucks and being a fireman. He knew I used to do that kind of work before he was born. One of the guys told him that he couldbe a firefighter too. That he could do anything he wanted if he was passionate enough.”
My brow furrows. “I don’t understand.”
Rune lets out a bitter laugh and leans in, dropping his voice. “Leo, he can’t be a firefighter. Ever. He has SMA.” At my frown, he sighs. “It’s a degenerative condition that affects his spine and his muscles.”
My stomach clenches. “So he’ll get worse.”
Rune shrugs. “We don’t know. He’s definitely not going to get any more mobile. He used to be able to walk with a walker, but he lost that ability when he was around three. He’s on a ton of treatments, which have been helping, but there’s no telling how bad it’ll get. And when those guys at the station told him he could be a firefighter, I think he still thought that someday he’d be…” Rune goes quiet for a second, then says, “Different. That he’d grow up to have a body like mine.”
That hits me right in the gut, and suddenly, I understand with an almost vicious clarity.
Rune must read it in my face because he nods. “Yeah. Eventually, I had to sit him down and explain it to him. That his body wasn’t going to be like mine. That there were things he wouldn’t be able to do, no matter how much he wanted it. He was fucking crushed, and I think a part of him hates me because I had to be the one to destroy that for him.”
I have no idea what to say about that. Not really. My disability came later, and I’m well aware of my limitations. I have no idea what it would be like believing I could do anything, and then the person I trusted most had to shatter that.
“Sorry,” Rune says. “I don’t mean to trauma dump all over you.”
“No, god. No, I’m awkward, and I don’t really know what to say other than I’m sorry.”
He bows his head. “I don’t want to hurt him like that again, and I’m afraid that taking him to the station and introducing him to a bunch of guys who are really cool and really fucking nice is going to remind him of how badly it hurt before. Even if they don’t say anything like that, it’s not like he forgot.”
“I get it.”
He gives me a dubious look but doesn’t call me a liar. And I’m not lying. I do get it. There are times that Easton talks about what life will be like once my brain is fully healed, and his denial that my TBI is a forever thing hurts sometimes. It feels a bit like he can’t accept me for who I am now.
“He’s already going to face an entire life of being told what he can’t do, so I’ve been doing everything in my power to keep him focused on what he can. And I don’t know if it’s the right thing or the wrong thing, you know? Like, maybe I’m fucking this all up, and I should let your stupid-ass brother drive him around in the truck or something.”
I frown. “Did my brother do something he shouldn’t have?” I can’t help but ask. I have no idea why the two of them can’t stand each other. “Is that why you hate him so much? Because I will kick his ass if you need me to.”
Rune lets out a small laugh. “Your brother is a pain in my ass and has made it his mission to piss me off. But no. He’s always been good to everyone at the station. We’re not friends, but he cares about the same people I care about, so I guess that means something.”
“Okay.” I breathe a small sigh of relief. “I know he can run his mouth sometimes. I think I’d be mortified if he was being an ableist shit.” I don’t tell him that Easton has said stuff that got under my skin because I don’t want to give Rune another reason to dislike him.
Rune shakes his head. “No. That’s not the problem. And I might hate him a little less if he’d stop fucking drinking coffeeat the desk because he seems incapable of not spilling it all over the damn keyboard.”
I burst into laughter because, yeah, that’s very much like Easton. He was always a disaster at home, and it does help me feel better that at least someone in my life hasn’t changed. Things were simple before, when I could hate North for being a total shit.
Now, I’m hurt and confused, and I have no idea what this thing is with him, or where we stand.
“Hey, are you okay?” Rune presses. “You just went kind of pale.”
Pressing my hands to my cheeks, I realize my skin feels cold in spite of being outside. I take a few deep breaths, then shake my head. “It’s nothing. Just…life, you know? You think you have it all figured out, and then?—”
“And then your ex walks back into your life after you think you’re free and makes it fucking impossible for you to get any peace?” Rune says.
I blink at him. “Um. Well, mine died, so we’d be on the verge of a zombie apocalypse if that happened to me.”
He stares at me, and then his mouth twitches. “Was that…a joke?”
“I know I’m not great at them, but…yes. Though my husbandisdead, so maybe that was a fucked-up thing to say.”
Rune breaks into a huge smile. “North’s totally wrong about you.”
Irritation creeps up my spine. “What is he telling people?”
“He said you couldn’t smile if your life depended on it. I told him he was wrong, that he just wasn’t worth smiling for.”
