I'm still figuring out how he managed that.
He always looked out for others, always made sure his bandmates were okay before worrying about himself. His love for music—the purity of it, the way he approached it like worship instead of transaction—made me see myself in him. Or maybe see who I could've been if things had gone differently.
"Is that all that's got you tied up?" Julian asks gently, pulling me back. "Because you've been somewhere else for days now. And I know losing Alfie would be hard but I don't know, you seem distant."
I huff a breath, almost laugh. "Jesus, you don't miss much, do you?"
He shrugs, but there's a small smile playing at his mouth. "Comes with the territory. You taught me that, actually. When you said a good producer listens to what's not being played as much as what is."
"Remind me to check myself around you."
He smirks. "So what is it?"
I think about brushing it off. Keeping the line clean, mentor on one side, artist on the other. Professional boundaries and all that responsible adult nonsense.
But Julian's earned more than that. He's never asked me to be anything other than honest.
"There's someone I haven't seen in a long time," I say carefully. "And there's a chance she'll be at the funeral and sticking around for some time.”
He tilts his head slightly, processing, connecting dots.
“And you’re not sure how you feel about that?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Well, that doesn't sound like just anyone."
"It's not."
It's the kind of 'someone' who rewires your entire understanding of what you're capable of feeling.
"Her name's Nora," I continue. "We were… well we were a lot of things to each other. Before Jake died. Before I completely derailed myself.”
“So, what actually happened between the two of you, to let so many years go by?”
I search for the right words. My hands rest on my thighs. I press my palms flat.
"I went to rehab. Which meant letting her go. I was in no shape to love anyone, least of all her."
"And now you might see her again and shit's awkward because you haven't spoken in seven years?" Julian says softly.
"Five years actually. I saw her at her brother's wedding. And that didn't go down well."
"Damn."
"Yeah. And now she's engaged. Getting married."
I lean back in my chair.
“Damn.”
"I'm happy for her, really I am. All I ever wanted was for her to get her happily ever after."
Julian studies me for a moment, something thoughtful and careful in his expression.
"Can I tell you something?"
"You mean after I just poured my sob story out to you? No, how dare you."
