We both pulled back at the same time, not wanting to cause more confusion at such an inopportune moment. The moment of our farewell. He took in a breath and let it out in a puff.
“I will go find Miss Patrice for you. She will need to get ready to leave as well.” He bowed stiffly and left my room, closing the door behind him.
This longing within me, it was wonderful, and yet it congealed in my stomach like soured milk. I sat down. The reason for the distasteful feeling was twofold: first, I felt disloyal to myself and to Graham; and second, I feared I had been lying to myself about my feelings for longer than a few weeks.
What if my true reason for coming to find Graham had been to convincemyselfthat I still loved him? What if all those memories we shared, while not invented, had been glorified in order to remain constant? It wasn’t as if these thoughts hadn’t occurred to me over the past three years. I’d been miserable waiting for Graham. Despite that, I clung to any and all memories we had together, especially the words he’d spoken to me before he left. He’d so sweetly assured me of his love. It was heavenly, to be loved in return.
But he was my first love, and I knew nothing outside of Edleroy. I had loved my childhood, and he had been a large part of it. I wonderedanew at the depth of my love for Graham Anderson and if he truly wasthe only man for me.
Chapter 34
Patricecameintomyroom nearly an hour later, which was unusual. She typically came as soon as I asked. “What kept you?” I asked her, genuinely curious. She sat next to me on the bed.
“I was at the mission. Then I ran into the baron. He seems angrier than usual.” She grimaced.
I sighed, looking away. “He has every right to be angry. And speaking with Mr. Ashby didn’t improve his mood. What did he tell you?”
“That he plans to leave in the morning with ye and Graham.” I felt her watching me, presumably to see what I thought about it.
I nodded. “Are you ready?”
She didn’t answer. When I looked at her, she suddenly avoided my gaze. “Patrice?” I touched her arm. “You’re coming home, right?”
She finally looked at me with pleading eyes. “I’ve been thinking about this for a while now. I…I think I belong here, Miss.”
My mouth hung open. She wanted to stay? The idea of leaving without her hadn’t occurred to me. I had surely been taking her for granted. I took her hands in mine. “But we’ve only been here for two weeks. You cannot tell me you prefer living here in these harsh conditions over Edleroy.”
She looked at our clasped hands. “I love Edleroy. And I love ye, Miss. But I’ve never…felt like this in any place I’ve lived. I have purpose, friends, a cause. Lottie is an extraordinary person, and I…feel a close bondwith her. If I’m being frank, I dinnae think I’ve ever been closer with anyone than I am with Lottie.”
“But you barely know her.”
She shook her head. “It doesnae take years tae know some people. Yer heart knows them in minutes sometimes. Ye can also know someone for years and not know them at all.” Her words seemed to carry a deeper, more pointed meaning. I tried not to think that far. I only focused on her situation. She went on. “And I told ye when we landed here that I’d not go on another ship again.” Her lips curled in a teasing smile.
Rather than smile with her, I grew more serious. “Are you certain you can live away from Scotland forever? It’s your home.”
She faced me. “Do ye want to live in Scotland forever?”
“Of course I do,” I said reflexively. I looked into her green eyes and saw my own lie. Or, if not a lie, then a denial of any doubts I had.
“Ye should go home. Yer father has come for ye. Mr. and Mrs. Findlay have a new baby. Mr. Anderson needs to see his mother. There are many reasons ye should go home. But ye need tae think again, whether ye want to live there forever, or if yer heart’s called tae be somewhere else.”
“Nonsense.” I denied all the feelings her words inspired. Hadn’t seeing my father again reminded me of how much I missed home? “Scotland is where my heart is. Plain and simple.”
“That’s that, then.” Her warm smile helped my shiver of uncertainty.
I took her hand again. “That’s that, then.”
We gazed at each other sadly for a while before I spoke again. “Thank you. For everything. You came with me, you protected me, you listened to me, you fought alongside me, you supported me. I can never repay you for your friendship. You know that, don’t you?”
She laughed. “Ye dinnae repay friendship. Ye just love.”
I hugged her tightly. She was my wise, wonderful friend. If she felt the need to stay on St. Kitts because her heart told her so, who was I to argue? For Patrice’s heart was truer than anyone else I knew.
Patrice and I talked for a long time while packing the few things I would bring on my journey home, and I felt better about leaving her in St. Kitts as she told me everything she’d been doing since our arrival. We had not been living the same life since we landed. She was doing more than cleaning with Lottie. The two of them were spending time with the children at the mission, teaching them how to care for a home and themselves, and Lottie had been teaching her to read—something I’d never been able to accomplish. She had grown close to Mrs. Weiss and Mrs. Bowers as they taught her more about their religion. Patrice told me she was becoming a protestant, that her faith grew stronger every day. She felt the spirit strongly at the mission and had felt more at peace than ever before.
Since the battle, she had become interested in medicine. Mr. Ward had been teaching her slowly as they continued to care for the wounded. She was living a full and important life on the island. It seemed her intelligence and caring heart could truly shine here. I was happy for her. I also envied her. It was not a mundane thing, to find true purpose.
A knock sounded and Graham called my name. I told him to come inside, and Patrice and I turned as he entered. “Miss Patrice, I heard from Mrs. Bowers that ye plan to stay here.”
