“Aye, I do.” She stood, understanding that Graham had come to speak with me about a similar topic. “I’ll see ye before ye leave, Miss.” I nodded to her as she left.
Graham came inside and sat in the chair facing me. I was still sitting on the bed, feet planted on the ground. “Are ye ready to talk about this?” he asked.
I sighed, laughing a little. Nerves buzzed in my stomach, acknowledging his foreboding tone. “Since we leave in the morning, there’s no time to put it off.”
“Aye.”
Regardless of my soul-searching since my conversation with Mr. Ashby, I still clung to the hope that I was wrong. Graham and I could still work through this; true love would conquer all. His expression didn’t give me hope, however.
He rubbed his hands together and shifted in his seat. I could tell he didn’t wish to say what he had to say. “Ye know what I’ve been through. Ye know the relationships I’ve formed here, and ye know how important this place and these people are to me. Ye also know how much I owe them. I would be dead without Mrs. Bowers, Nate, and Eliza. They saved me. They gave me a home.”
I nodded. “I know. You don’t have to explain all this to me.”Please don’t say this. I’m not ready.
“I do, Elsie. I need to explain these things so ye will understand why I decided to stay. I cannae go back to Scotland. Not yet.”
It was like a punch to my gut, which was already very sensitive. It took me a moment to recover my voice and to push down the tears that threatened. When I was able to set aside my deepdisappointment, I decided to take a different approach. This wasn’t just about me or our promises to one another. “What about your mother? She deserves to see you again. She’s been worried for so long.”
He looked down. “I’ve already written to her. I’ve asked her to come here.”
Another punch to my gut; he’d never asked me to join him in the three years he was gone. I knew this situation was different, but it still hurt. “Do you think she will?”
“I cannae predict that, but I hope so. If she doesnae, then I will return. But I cannae leave until the estate is rebuilt. I willnae.” His eyes pleaded with me, apologized to me. “I ken that I’ve broken yer trust. I’ve been an eejit over all of this. I’ve mucked it up. But I meant what I said in the letter. Ye deserve better than me.”
“I don’twantanyone better than you.” I denied his words, no matter how much I understood them. No matter how much I was starting to agree with him...
His expression turned more patient and sympathetic. “Do ye remember what I said, that I remember ye as ye were before I lost my memory and I remember ye as a stranger?”
“What of it?” My question was harsher than I meant it. He didn’t seem to take offense, however.
“Those two women are the same, in essentials. But yer more yerself now than ye ever were. Waiting for me didn’t suit ye, and I’m proud of you for taking charge of yer life. Ye’ve grown, Elsie. And so have I. The problem is that we’ve grown…apart.”
I shook my head more decidedly than I felt. “We grew while wewere apart. That’s different. Growing as people doesn’t change our love for one another.”
“My love has changed.”
I stared at him, disbelieving. “How?”
“Perhaps if we had married and grown together, we would still be right for one another. But I came to realize that I loved ye with a young man’s heart. The love I feel for ye cannae weather a storm. It cannae cross oceans. It willnae sustain me when all hope is lost.”
“You’re speaking in riddles, Graham.” My heart was breaking, and yet beating fiercely as it felt the meaning of his confessions.This is the truth,it seemed to say.
“I gave up on us when things got too hard for me. Don’ ye see?” He raised his eyebrows to emphasize his words. “Yer my first love, Elsie Findlay. Ye taught me to love, to recognize love. It’s because of ye that I was able to find love again in my darkest hour.” He took my hand. “Please dinnae hate me for saying this. But I think if ye look inside yer heart, ye will discover I’m not the one who makes ye feel most alive.”
Love awakens you, I’d once told Melody. I’d said it to Graham as well, back then. He’d agreed that love awakens our hearts and makes us feel truly alive. My stubborn mind still wouldn’t accept that he wasn’t my true love. It battled against my changing heart. Tears fell and I wiped them away. “You can believe what you want, but don’t try to tell me how I feel.”
“I’m sorry.” The sincerity in those two words and the tears in his eyes told me that he was apologizing for everything: for falling out of love with me, for ending our engagement through a letter, for forgetting me, for his change of heart, and for staying here.
I sniffed, then shook my head. “I wish I could forgive you easily. But it will take some time.”
He nodded his understanding. “I’ll not blame ye if ye never forgive me.”
I wiped another tear from my cheek. I thought about him and Eliza going into the dining room earlier and knew he must have spoken to her about this already. Hadn’t he just admitted his love for her? “Youhave many reasons to stay, I know. But it seems to me like you have one main reason. You said you found love in your darkest hour. Have you confessed this to Eliza?”
He looked down, as if he didn’t want to see my reaction to his words. “I told her I regained my memory and that I’ve chosen to stay. But confessing my feelings for her…it’s not the right time.”
“It’s always the right time to tell someone you love them,” I said. I immediately regretted it. What did I know, truly know, about affairs of the heart? Mine was so twisted with uncertainty that I could barely think straight.
“Yer wise, as always.” His smile was sad. “Write to me when you arrive home. I want to know how ye are. I want to hear about yer family, how Cam and Melody are doing. Just because we’re no longer engaged doesnae mean I dinnae care about ye. Ye will always be dear to me, Elsie.”
