Slowly, I brought my lips to his. The ache in my chest lessened, and I melted into him.
He set me down but kept me pressed flush to his body. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you everything sooner. I just… Information like this is dangerous. If no one has it, they’re less likely to be targeted. But even so, I know I shouldn’t keep you in the dark.”
“I’m not used to it like you are,” I joked, but his answering smile was forced. “Besides, this doesn’t change who you are to me.”
He grimaced. “I need you to understand how dangerous this is. How dangerous I am.”
I couldn’t help but roll my eyes. “I remember the first time you told me that. At first, I didn’t believe you, and then I did. And what do you know, I still believe you.” Standing on my toes, I ran a hand down the side of his face. “But I don’t believe you’re dangerous for me. I believe you’re dangerous to those who would hurt the ones you love.”
“Leena, you could die.” His gaze was so heavy I had to fall back to the flats of my feet. “Varek would do anything to keep his claim to the throne. He’d find out about you, and he’d use that against me. If something were to happen… I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.”
Whether it was the morning chill or his words, I didn’t know. But I shivered just the same and pulled him closer. “Then we won’t let him find out. Ever.”
“No one can know. Do you trust Gaige? Will he tell someone about me?”
“I want to. I don’t think he would do anything to intentionally hurt us. Once we’re done with this beast hunt, we’ll talk to him. Okay?”
Noc’s jaw went taut, but he nodded.
I couldn’t stand the way he slipped back into his old frozen self, so I ran an absent hand across his chest and offered him a sly grin. “Should I call you Aleksander?”
His chuckle thrummed through my fingertips. “Please, don’t.”
“Good. I like Noc better, anyway.” I smiled up at him. “Everything is going to be fine. I promise.” For effect, I channeled some of my power to my hand, allowing rosewood light to claim the space around us. “I can protect you too.”
The rightness of that statement warmed me to my core. Charmers never used their beasts to outright attack humans, but if it meant defending my family, the people I loved, then I knew my beloved beasts would come to my aid. Hireath. Cruor. Noc. I would defend them all with my dying breath.
Noc sighed and trailed a light finger along my Charmer’s emblem. “You don’t know what I see when you’re not around.”
“What do you mean?” A tremor raced through my hand, and he clasped it tight.
“Just things…people…from my past. It’s Cruor’s oath trying to force my hand.”
“Amira?”
He nodded. “And Bowen. Two people my curse claimed.” He blinked, touching his throat in surprise. “I’ve been trying to tell you that since the beginning.”
“Why couldn’t you?”
“The oath wouldn’t let me. I can still feel a slight burn”—his fingers trailed down his neck—“but it’s bearable.” Slowly, he met my gaze, then targeted the soft glow about my hand. “It’s you. Your magic. Something about it is lessening the oath’s control. I don’t know how long it will last. It seems to get stronger every day.” He continued to stare at the rosewood light slipping between our fingers. “I’ve been trying to warn you since the beginning, but I was so afraid my past would ruin things, that being open would just put you in more danger…”
“But it didn’t. I’m still here, and now I can help you.” I squeezed him tighter.
“It’s been so hard.” His voice broke just slightly, and my chest tightened. “There’s this voice in my mind. One I can’t place. Every day it gets louder. More insistent. I feel like I’m slipping away.”
My body stilled. “What does it want you to do?”
His fingers dug into my hip, seeking purchase. “Kill. To follow through with the oath. And Amira and Bowen… They’re hallucinations. I can say that now, with you in my arms. But when they’re around, whenyou’renot around, it’s harder to differentiate truth from lie. I rationalize doing things I never would’ve before.”
“Like what?” I didn’t want to know the answer, but Noc was talking. Sharing. And as terrifying as his words were, I wasn’t about to stop him.
“Like using my blood to command someone.” His voice was low, painful. “Like killing you and raising you, even though I know you don’t want it.”
A dull ringing started in my ears. His fear from yesterday, the questions about my life after death… It all made sense. Killing me would satisfy the oath. Raising me would keep his heart intact. It was the perfect lure. And his former loves were dangling it before him, convincing him that there was a way to satisfy everyone involved.
Everyone except for me. And he was fighting against their wishes with all his worth because he knew that. Because he loved me. Because he was myanam-cara, and sacrificing himself for my happiness was exactly what he was trying to do.
“Noc.” I breathed in deeply and settled my fear with his honeyed scent. “I love you. We’ll get through this. You won’t hurt me.”
