“But you’re not going to.” I cross my arms over my chest. They’re a shield, an attempt to shore up my heart, which is cracking clean in half. “So sometime between yesterday’s bathroom rendezvous and now you had a crisis of conscience?”
He slants me a look. “You’re proving my point. I hardly think a bathroom stall should be what we’re striving for.”
“So you don’t want me in a bathroom stall, or your car, or my apartment. You do not want me here or there. You do not want me anywhere.”
It’s the wrong reaction—flippant and petty when I know he’s just as frustrated as I am—but he’s keeping himself from me and it’s not fair. It’s like he’s spent the whole night making me fall in love with him only to rip the rug out from under me. I’m so tired of him being just beyond my reach, I could cry.
“You know I want you,” he says quietly. “I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anything. I want you so much that I’m willing to put what I want aside to give you time to wrap your mind around this.”
“So that’s it, then? You’ve made this decision and I don’t even get a say.”
“I suppose you’re the only one who’s allowed to pump the breaks?”
I narrow my eyes. “Maybe I need more time with you towrap my mind around this, ever think of that?”
“All right, let’s play that out. I come up, right now. You and I both know what will happen. And then what, you ignore me tomorrow? I’m supposed to ignore you? Pretend it never happened?” He shakes his head. “No. I’m not built that way. You’re asking for something I can’t give.”
I turn away, needing to block out his wounded expression and the reality of our situation. The worst part is, I know he’s right. I’ve been so consumed by my feelings for him that I haven’t considered how we’ll navigate all the complicated situations we’re bound to find ourselves in. My shoulders sag with the realization.Another obstacle.
He’s watching me as I process this. “The more time we spend together, the more I’m feeling. More invested, more protective, more...everything. I can’t just turn it off depending on where we are and who’s in the room. I’d do just about anything you ask, but I can’t do that.”
I take a tentative step toward him, propelled forward by the honesty and vulnerability in his words. He wastes no time pulling me in, crushing me in a hug. I clutch the back of his shirt like a lifeline.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper into his chest. “I shouldn’t have reacted like that. I know you’re just trying to do the right thing. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. You should probably run the other direction.”
“Nah, I’ve got too much time invested.”
“You must have the patience of a saint.”
His chuckle rumbles beneath my cheek. “I wouldn’t go that far, but I’ve waited this long for you to see what was right in front of you. I can wait longer.”
His words knock the wind out of me.
“Sometimes you say things...” I shake my head, overcome.
He smiles and tilts my face up, just looking at me, drinking me in. I’m doing the same. I’m lost in his eyes. I’m as pathetic as an eighties song.
“If you’re about to tell me that kissing is on your forbidden list, I will murder you in your sleep.”
“Now you’re just talking crazy.” He kisses me in proof.
When he pulls away, I want to weep. “Remind me again why you’re saying no to this?”
“I just think if we take certain things off the table—”
“Off thetable?”
“—for thetime being, we’ll be able to focus on addressing your concerns more quickly. And the sooner that happens, the sooner you canadmit I was right all along, and we can pick up where we left off.” He presses a hand to my back, nudging me forward.
“Where did I go wrong? It was all thatlike goldtalk, wasn’t it? I put the fear in you.”
“It did make me think.”
“Ugh,nomore thinking. You’re entirely too sensible and evolved. Where can I find the Ben from Saturday night? The devil-may-care, rip-my-clothes-off-and-damn-the-consequences Ben?”
“He’s under firm orders to stand down until further notice.” He tucks me tight against his side as we cross the street.
“You must be into torture.”
