I watch him walk away, not moving from the doorway until he disappears around the corner.
He never turns around.
Chapter 28
On Friday I do something I never do. I call in sick.
Even if I wanted to, I can hardly go into the office looking like the puffy-eyed zombie I currently resemble. Truth be told, I wonder how I’ll ever go to work again. The idea of glimpsing Ben through the window—or worse, casually running into him, forced into awkward hellos and stilted conversation—seems like such cruel and unusual punishment that I wonder if I should spend the day updating my résumé instead of crying in bed. As a compromise I decide to embrace my forced vacation and stay in pajamas all day. I will not positively contribute to society, nor will I put makeup on. That’ll show the patriarchy.
I mope and watch soaps. I order Seamless and carb it up. Stephen calls to check on me but talking to him just reminds me of work and Ben so I rush off the phone. I stumble uponMy Best Friend’s Weddingon TV and bawl. I listen to “On My Own” three times in a row before deciding that’s too tragic, even for me.
I do everything in my power to avoid thinking of Ben, but he’s taken up permanent residence in my head and refuses to be evicted. When I curl up on my couch, I’m bombarded by memories of our nightly cuddling. My kitchen seems huge and empty without his considerable bulkto navigate around. I can’t watch my favorite news shows without hearing his voice poke holes in their narrative. He’s even ruined Tim McGraw for me, which is about as heinous a crime as I can imagine.
Over the course of the weekend, the kernel of doubt I felt when I threw myself on the sword metastasizes to boulder-size uncertainty. Could I have tried harder? Was I too quick to give up on us? Now that I think about it, Ben was the one bright spot in the otherwise colorless existence I’ve built for myself. What if I just threw away the best thing in my life?
I shake myself.Stop this. Stop second-guessing.I pushed him away for the right reasons. I’m saving him from himself. He wouldn’t be happy with me long-term, even if he thinks he would. It won’t take him any time at all to find someone else. He’ll meet some lovely, boring girl next door who’ll worship the ground he walks on and thank God every day he looked at her twice with those heart-stopping green eyes.
The thought nearly makes me regurgitate my Seamless.
I want someone who challenges me.
You make my life better, not harder.
I’d rather argue with you than get along with anyone else.
Throughout the next week, my boulder of doubt becomes an asteroid. I wake up each morning hoping the pain will have faded, but the vise around my heart only seems to tighten. Stephen tries to get me to open up, but I feel even more protective of the relationship now that memories are all I have left. I haven’t run into Ben, though it’s by design—I’ve stayed holed up in my office as much as possible, blinds closed. I know my limits. If I run into him and he seems fine, it’ll send me into a tailspin I’m not sure I’ll recover from.
By the end of the week, I’m barely functioning. I’m exhausted from fighting back tears and so groggy from tossing and turning, I can barely carry on a conversation. The pit in my stomach has made it impossible to eat and I’m about as energetic as a rag doll.
“Knock-knock.”
I glance up to see Tessa striding through my door, a manila envelope in her hands.
“Hey, lady,” I greet her, then cringe at the lifeless tone of my voice.Nobody likes a Debbie Downer.
“I was clearing off my desk and found this mixed in with a stack of my files. Don’t ask me how I ended up with it.” She hands it to me and keeps talking. “So a few of us are heading over to Hamilton’s for drinks, if you want to...”
Her voice fades away as I recognize Ben’s all-caps scrawl across the front of the envelope, and my heart leaps. Did he send me mail?
“How long have you had this?” I cut her off, my voice tingeing on desperate. “Do you know when it got delivered?”
She frowns. “I’m not sure. A week ago, maybe? Could have been two? That pile has been sitting on my desk for ages.” She pauses at the look on my face. “Crap, was it important?”
I take a deep breath, donning theeverything’s fine, nothing to see heremask I’ve been sporting all week. “No, don’t worry about it. Uh, I can’t make it tonight.”
She eyes me with concern. “You sure? You look like you could use a night out.”
I almost laugh. I haven’t breathed a word about Ben to Tessa, but she has no idea how badly I wish I could just go out and forget about him.
I force a smile. “I’m sure. Next time.”
She narrows her eyes, unconvinced. “Okay, but next time I won’t take no for an answer. I’m dragging you by the hair whether you like it or not.”
After she leaves, I stare down at the envelope on my desk, my heart beating a million miles an hour. I splay my shaking fingers over theletters of my name, as if I can touch him through the pen strokes slashed onto paper.
I muster up every ounce of courage I possess and open the envelope. When I slide out the contents, my heart nearly stops.
It’s the Kate file.
