“Cool.” Matt climbs into the passenger seat. Without another option, I climb in and start the car.
Matt’s phone rings as we’re backing out of the driveway. “Hello?”
I reach to turn down the music and listen to Matt’s end of the conversation. “No, I have hockey. Nope, family in town. It’ll have to wait until Monday then. Okay, bye.”
I nod. “Nothing important, I hope.”
“Nothing more important than my mother coming to town.” He smiles.
I smile back at him. Good to know he’s got priorities. I lean back in the seat and just… breathe. No tension, no stakes, no hidden games. Not like Ben. Not like that charged, heart-thumping, everything-on-the-line feeling that comes from being with him. Here, I can be relaxed, playful, and completely myself.
Chapter 33
Liz, November 12
“Excuse me.” I flag down the little blonde behind the counter who is texting furiously. “Do you have these in a size 9?” I hold up the black pumps with three-inch heels. She nods and disappears into the back. Honestly, I’ve never worn heels that tall. I’ll probably kill myself in heels that tall. I’m not abnormally short, but Matt is abnormally tall. He stands about a head taller than me, and he’s developed this annoying habit of kissing the top of my head. He makes me feel like a child. I can’t even remember the last time he kissed me somewhere else unless we were in bed. I’m hoping with some heels he won’t be able to reach.
It’s ridiculous, I know. I’m picking at flaws here, and I really shouldn’t do that. Besides playing hockey, which we still do, I feel like I really don’t see him. So why are his flaws bothering me so much in the little time we’re together? He just works so much; you would think I would appreciate him when he’s not at work. But instead I find myself noticing he kisses my head, he clears his throat a lot, and he chews really loudly.
I have decided I need to try harder. I need to focus on the things he does well. Matt holds doors for me, he pays for dinner without hesitation, he is a generous lover, and if we go out he lets me drink and he drives. He also puts up with the fact that I’m socially awkward. Actually, he tried to bring me to more work events, so I could be a part of that life too. We went to a party for Halloween last month. I didn’t know who to talk to; I’m sure I came off strange. I laughed at the wrong spots and didn’t make a very good impression on his boss. The man didn’t appreciate a cup full of Pepsi being dumped on his pant leg, even if it was an accident. Anyway, long story short, we decided it’s best for him to do the work thing alone.
It’s fine, I agreed to it. I don’t like new situations and new people much anyway. But it’s just lonely without anyone. I used to talk to… never mind, I just talked to someone. But now I have no one. My mom and I aren’t close, really. My sister lives in another state. I have no other relatives to speak of. The girls from work are all married with families; I just can’t relate to that. They all want to give me advice and rush me to marriage with Matt. It’s uncomfortable.
I catch myself performing, trying to be the girlfriend he wants, the version of me that won’t annoy or embarrass him. I’m laughing when I should be laughing, smiling when I should be smiling, all carefully measured. It doesn’t feel like me at all. I used to laugh at the wrong spots and care too much about what people thought. Now, I just count the hours until I can be alone again.
So I buy shoes and I hang out alone and I think about what my life has become. Yay me.
Chapter 34
Ben, November 21
Things need to be normal around here, so I act like they are normal. After I returned home I threw myself into the normal things I was supposed to be doing. I go to work and work a ridiculous amount of overtime. I keep in touch with my family and visit my mother for dinner at least once a week. I hit the pubs with Zach regularly, but he’s starting to notice I leave early and I always leave alone. Normal, normal, normal.
Just one thing that’s not normal. I bought a box of Christmas cards, for the first time in my life. I was at the checkout line and there they were, so I grabbed a box. There are 25 cards in the box. Do you know how many I sent? One. One stupid card. The card had a picture of a tree and some holly and stuff on the front. The inside? “Wishing you the best this holiday season.” I scribbled “Liz and Matt” across the top and signed it in a flourish and mailed it to her yesterday.
I almost didn’t add Matt’s name. I could have pretended it didn’t matter. But pretending has never been my style.
I sent a fucking Christmas card to Liz… and Matt. There should be an undo button on the postbox.
Chapter 35
Ben, December 8
The races always make me feel better, so I hit one up on a Saturday afternoon when I’m feeling particularly lonely. Zach and Kyle are both working. I had the quiet house to myself this morning on a rare day off. I tried to read a book but the main characters fell in love and had this steamy sex scene. I could feel it really getting to me. I had to get out and release all this pent-up frustration.
The races happened to be where I ended up after aimlessly driving around for twenty minutes. Around here, we take our auto racing pretty seriously. There is an open track in Bristol that almost always has something going on. Today it’s a longer lap, taking the cars out of my viewpoint periodically as they round the back end of the huge space.
“Excuse me.” I turn to the source of the voice to find a woman with long brown straight hair cascading down her back. She’s pretty, average, blue eyes, long lashes. She’s buttoned up tightly in a winter coat, so I can’t see much of her body. She’s standing just beside me at the chain-link fence.
“Yes?”
“Can you tell me which car was in the lead when they went around back?”
“The number 8,” I answer.
A smile breaks across her face. “That’s what I thought, thank you.” She turns back to the fence, leaning on it to look out at the track.
“Do you watch the races a lot?” What am I doing? Am I picking up a track bunny? I suppose track bunnies are better than drunk sluts at a pub.
