‘Thank you,’ I say to the seamstress. ‘We’ll take these off now. Our maid will see they get to you.’
As the seamstress departs, I try, as casually as I can, to steer the conversation in a different direction.
‘I assume you still took the tonic this morning, but do you feel any different? Any hint of Etta’s magic returning?’
She shrugs as she works out the creases in her dress. ‘No, but that’s fine. Pregnancy can do strange things to magic.’
‘Still, maybe you should spend some time in the orangery. See if it sparks anything in you.’
‘How about right now we just focus on one thing,’ she says sharply before fixing a fraction-too-tight smile to her lips. ‘Our announcement.Do you know if Benny is back yet? I was hoping to make sure he’s dressed appropriately as well.’
I want to snort. Benny is a future duke. He surely knows how to dress better than Kay does.
Kay smiles and claps her hands. ‘Oh, it’ll be so fun.’
Fun? I wonder if she remembers the ball where the rebels showed up. Where Zelle fought and was killed and the king insisted we continue with the frivolities as if it were nothing.
Or whether she remembers the one where we lost Llinos. Where I handed my best friend a glass of wine intended for me and watched on as the love of her life wept at her side while Llin took her last breath.
Yeah, those parts of the balls are definitely not something I’d ever consider fun.
On top of that, there was the one where Zara humiliated me, and another where Kyor walked away from me. Forever.
Thinking about it like that, balls are possibly one of my least favourite things.
‘I think balls are more your thing than mine,’ I reply, expecting the comment to simply wash over Kay, the way it was intended. But instead, her face hardens.
‘I’m not vacuous, Rose,’ Kay snaps suddenly into the silence.
‘Sorry?’
‘I know the way you look at me sometimes. You think I’m just being blind, ignoring the negative. But I’m not. I just don’t want it to define every part of me. I don’t want the fact that my magic isn’t showing up to be a reason for me to constantly be down on my life. Or for some bad things that have happened at balls to dictate the way I treat every single one in the future. And I could’ve seen this pregnancy as a disaster – the worst thing that’s happened to me – but I chose not to. Jonas is a good man, and this has given him a chance to repair the friendship he broke between you and him, a chance to do something good for this family. And his being connected to us makes it easier for William to accept us. And that feels worthwhile to me. I’m not vacuous. I’m just trying to look forward. Trying to make a future for myself that includes happiness, not just fear and pain.’
I pause, contemplating her words before I carefully reply. ‘I don’t think you’re vacuous, Kay.’
‘Don’t lie. I saw the half-suppressed eye roll when I mentioned the colour of the dresses.’
It’s hard not to respond to that one without outright lying, particularly as I still can’t see any difference in the colours. But I know that’s not the right thing to say, and so I draw a breath.
‘You’re right. I worry that you don’t seem to be concerned about your magic and that you and Jonas seem to be treating this marriage like it’s the real thing?—’
‘It is!’ she spits back at me. ‘Marriages have been determined by much less than this. Plenty of people have married partners they’ve never met before. And some of them fail, of course, but some of those marriages last, Rose. Some even grow into love. Are you saying that I shouldn’t develop feelings for Jonas? That you’d rather he and I were estranged our entire lives when he’s literally my only chance of love? You understand that, right? Because if it’s not Jonas, then there’s no one for me.’
I stand there, trying to think of a response to give, only to find I don’t have one.
She’s absolutely right.
Happiness is a choice you make, and I should respect her for choosing it this way. Gods know she has as much reason as anyone to see the darker side in her life right now.
‘You’re right,’ I admit softly. ‘I’m sorry. You’re right.’ And then, because I know it’s what she needs, I brush a strand of hair behind her ear before taking her hand. ‘I’m sure I saw some of Mother’s other jewellery in a box the other day. Why don’t we see if we can find something that matches the dresses? For both of us?’
She offers a tremulous smile. ‘I’d like that.’
‘Well, you only announce your marriage once, right?’
Chapter 15
We’ve attended a hell of a lot of balls in the last few months, but this one is different. Maybe it’s because this one has nothing to do with the Retterheld, or maybe it’s the fact that Kay started fussing the moment she woke up.
