‘I do not!’ My skin warms. I hate being so transparent.
‘You’re in denial,’ Caz says, ‘but you love him, I think, as deeply as I loved Llinos, so why are you stopping yourself from being together?’
I barely have to think about the answer. ‘Because I can’t trust him.’
‘Is that the truth, or is that the excuse you keep telling yourself? Because if I could have Llinos and her love back, I’d do anything I can, anything I need to. You have that love, Rose. And you’re squandering it.’
That hurts, more than a little. ‘I’m not squandering it. How can you be with someone when you don’t trust them?’
She snorts. ‘You do trust him, Rose. He tells you a terrifying creature from children’s nightmares stalks us, and you believe him. Instantly. I don’t think you’re being honest with yourself. Yes, he broke something between you, but you do trust him, at least to a degree. Full trust needs to be built, and that’s hard, of course it is, but I think it’s worth doing.’ She sees that she’s not getting through to me and changes tack. ‘It’s like bone.’
‘What? You’ve lost me.’
‘When you break a bone and it heals,’ she explains, ‘the line where the fracture was forms stronger than before. You know, to prevent it happening again? Maybe – and thisisa maybe – but maybe if that’s what you wanted, then you two could reform together, stronger.’
‘But there’s still the rest of me, right?’ I say softly. ‘The other bones that could get broken next?’
Because Kyor has the power to break me more than any other. I’ve tasted it, and it wasn’t great.
‘Right,’ she agrees. ‘Not to mention, you would have to open yourself up to let that happen. And I’m not oblivious to what’s there between you and our warm hugger either.’
‘Ruben and I are just friends,’ I reply firmly.
She smiles. ‘I’m willing to bet you two were never just friends,’ she offers back. ‘It’s clear he loves you.’ She pauses. ‘It’s equally clear that you never loved him. He won’t move on, Rose. Not while there’s just the slimmest chance of you two being together. Even if you don’t chooseKyor, you need to let Ruben know you won’t choose him. Not ever again.’
I wince. I don’t want to hurt Ruben, not like that. ‘I care for him, a lot. I don’t want to hurt him. Or lose him.’
‘He’s a smart man. He can see which way the wind is blowing. Not setting him straight will hurt him more in the long run. He deserves a conversation.’
She’s right – I know she is.
My heart clenches, aches. I love Ruben, but not the way he loves me. I love him like a friend.
And that’s not something I can say about Kyor. There’s nothing remotely platonic about the way I feel about him. But that’s not love – that’s lust. Maybe love isn’t something I’ll have in this lifetime. Maybe a happy ever after is for Kay, not me.
I’m tired, and cold, and I’m already sick of sleeping on hard ground.
I feel as if we’ve been on the road for ages, but it’s been merely a matter of days.
‘We should prep some food and eat,’ I say to Caz, needing to change the conversation. ‘We need to make sure there’s plenty of food for when Kyor gets back.’
‘I think Benny and Ruben are on that.’
I look to the side, and sure enough, the pair are there, in close-knit conversation.
‘Did Benny ever have someone?’ I ask Caz as I study them. ‘You know, the way you and Llin did? Someone special back at home?’
‘You mean other than the Eastern Isles herself?’ she says, raising an eyebrow. ‘Sure, he’ll flirt and have fun, but he’ll never open himself up. His land and his people will always come first to him.’
‘That feels sad,’ I say, almost to myself.
‘Is it any different from people putting their family before love?’ Caz says to me pointedly. ‘Just on a bigger scale, I guess.’
‘Maybe,’ I say. ‘Maybe.’
A silence falls. Am I putting family before love? Maybe. I’m certainly putting keeping William safe above being open with Kyor, but I don’t see that as the same.
Not wanting to get lost in my thoughts, I move to see if the others need help, when one of the horses whinnies.
